Just missed 11:11.
Well, that was a crappy day.
Just had to rain on the day of our trip. Really bad gym class too, but math was alright. Quartet practice was fail. Waiting at school for so long was fail.
It was all fail.
Had the rally today. Was expecting a lot better turnout, and maybe something more fun? It ended very quickly. Wish I had more time to spend with Nubcake...
Nubcake...
Old habits die hard, you could say? Just been freaking out lately. Keep having these subtle reminders of the past, and then I see myself acting the way I once did. And then cursing myself for it after, just do repeat the same mistakes. Remembering him turning away from me for this, remembering the times he blew up on me for it. I feel so paranoid for worrying about this, but its so true it scares me insanely. I dont wanna be like that again...especially not to my Nubcake.
But I'm watching myself make the same mistakes over and over...
Another thing that brought up the past. Ben mentioned him today. Asked me how things were. What did I have to tell him? The fact we hate each other and completely blocked each other from our lives even though unfortunately we still hear about each other? Even worse, hearing about him and Juanita. Frig, how the hell did he get all tight with JUANITA? And now using her to mess with Ben. He should be the last person to try to 'help' their relationship. Since he can't even stay faithful to his own girlfriend. Can't even keep simple promises. Can't go on without lies. Can't...can't...
I hate the past. I can't seem to get away from it. As much as I've been able to move on, theres still a fear of it repeating.
I wish it wouldn't. I wish I wouldn't be so dumb. And senseless. I wish I wouldn't make the same mistakes I did over and over again. I wish I wasn't so afraid of this. I wish history would just stop repeating itself and move on. I wish I wouldn't be the person I once was. To screw up with Nubcake. "Mauling" him, as Aaron once put it. Or just be...what Nate spazzed at me for. In a ways, I know he was right.
Is it too much to wish for things to just work out? I once made a thousand stars wishing to be able to bring someone happiness. In the end, it came true. Then there were those wishes that hadn't come true. That surely could have. Until he threw them away.
This last wish I want so badly to come true. If it takes a thousand more stars, I'd do it. If it means following the traditional rules of not telling, I'd follow it. Even if it hurts insanely bad in the process. I'd go for it.
...just wish...just wish...
Using up every 11:11, every wishing fountain I come across, every first star. Anything.
I just wish...things would work out.
That I can love him.
Without being forced away.
Without being the idiot I once was and making the same mistakes to screw things up.
Without upsetting him so much.
And that he'll love me back.
And continue to do so.
That he won't end up changing his mind.
That he won't leave me.
That I won't upset him enough that he will.
And that we'll be able to just be together.
Without fears.
And just stay.
Just wanna be with you...is it so much to ask for?
Maybe the reason I really am keeping this from him...is because I'm afraid of his reaction...if he turns it down?
And because I'm really truly paranoid about the 'don't tell anyone or else it won't come true'.
But maybe it is silly to believe in a saying. Because whether it comes true or not...is actually still in our power.
No stupid mistakes...don't want him to...go.
No bad habits.
Sigh.
He asked if I would be on.
And I was, but I...upset him again. He actually sounded quite pissed/annoyed.
And so he left.
I wish he didn't. Although I guess he should.
But just knowing he's there...makes me feel at ease. If thats the right way to put it.
Like that one picture: