It only takes a little bit of daring crazy display of personality.
Side pigtails and giant lemon yellow glasses.
All I needed to do was look in the mirror, at my PERSONALITY.
Not my surface.
And I find me.
(:
| A new face. >> Monday, February 22, 2010 |
| Gone. >> Thursday, February 18, 2010 |
A little bit of everything. Gone.
I'll have truly moved on when I can read the past over and over again and not feel anything.
I'll have truly let go when I can see the pictures and relive the memories and not be hurt.
I'll have truly recovered when I learn to control the feelings in my head and learn to block it out.
I'll truly be happy when I've let go.
I'm letting go.
I'll have truly moved on when I can read the past over and over again and not feel anything.
I'll have truly let go when I can see the pictures and relive the memories and not be hurt.
I'll have truly recovered when I learn to control the feelings in my head and learn to block it out.
I'll truly be happy when I've let go.
I'm letting go.
| Reality is, >> Tuesday, February 16, 2010 |
| No words for this. >> |
The higher you rise, the harder you fall.
Isn't there a limit, a bottom to how low you can fall?
Shit, I fell hard.
Isn't there a limit, a bottom to how low you can fall?
Shit, I fell hard.
| At the end of the day, >> |
| And when it hurts closest to the heart, you push away all those you love. >> Saturday, February 13, 2010 |
Is this what made me let go?
You ruined me.
At least he has a family to rely on.
What do I have?
I don't mean anything to you.
I can't LOVE.
You've never shown me what love is.
Never.
All you've done for me all these years is left me by myself.
Here I am.
I'm doing what you wanted me to do. Happy?
No, I'm not happy.
How the hell could I possibly be happy?
I want it so bad...
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know if its right.
Why is it that everything I do
Whatever I choose
I'm not happy?
You ruined me.
At least he has a family to rely on.
What do I have?
I don't mean anything to you.
I can't LOVE.
You've never shown me what love is.
Never.
All you've done for me all these years is left me by myself.
Here I am.
I'm doing what you wanted me to do. Happy?
No, I'm not happy.
How the hell could I possibly be happy?
I want it so bad...
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know if its right.
Why is it that everything I do
Whatever I choose
I'm not happy?
| I'm sorry. >> Thursday, February 11, 2010 |
| Changes. >> Tuesday, February 9, 2010 |
| Smile, though your heart's breaking. >> Saturday, February 6, 2010 |
Found this quote on the board today. Dunno if its supposed to be sad or happy...just hit me, I guess.
The past week. Hmm.
Tuesday had my last exam, hung out with Nubcake (: At first it was an epic fail, both went to different Harvey's. x.x But it worked out in the end. ^^ Ate onionring burger! Went to chapters, mall. Chapters was nice...that one hotels book. xD Picking potential ideal places for honeymoon, ahaha. That seashell and underwater one was epic @_@ Mmm...can't wait till that day when I'm free. Mall was fun, although my legs were very tired :( Tried to find Love Dare book in Coles, but they didn't have it in this one -.- Ran into Landon, oh goodie ^^; Havent talked to her in so long, things really have changed. :S Bus ride back, very relaxing. Fell asleep on Nubcake's shoulder, had a good dream again. It was one of those...really comfy sleeps D: Where you don't wanna wake up and just wanna stay there forever and ever and ever and ever...x) But meh. I always get good sleeps with him there. :3 Felt so cold and alone when he got off >.>
Wednesday.
Went to the mall + bbt with John. (Note to self: Next time get banana BBT cuz it tastes epic :o )
Bought pokeballs at zellers, wasted time watching an infomercial thinking we were gonna get free stuff. xD Stupid zellers. Saw lots of people I knew, including Angela o; Which is good because she wanted to hang out anyways ^^ And saw Linder there! Gotta meet up with her sometime to catch up on things. And lmao, Ustina. "Isn't she going with Ryan??" >.> But yeah, it was fun. Felt like that Ottawa trip again...mmmm...ottawa. @_@ Got a ride back with his sis and cousin, FUNNIEST GIRLS I'VE EVER MET. Omgg, hilarious people. xD
Thursday.
Nothing really.
Friday and today.
Okay...
Well first of all, 93% ON CIVICS SUMMATIVE AND 99% ON MATH EXAM, WHOOOOTTT ~!
Marks: 93, 93, 93, 95, 96, 99.
YEEE. (;
Anyways. Okay. So highlights of yesterday.
Got it confirmed by Shawn that Leon liked me...lol...at first I actually thought he was lying. Guess it was actually true.
For some reason he's so much like Nubcake. Both of them worrying about school...worrying about getting into the University Program they want. Except Leon's a bit more depressing and pessimistic. |: Sigh, why are guys always so difficult?
And then, UW debate.
Wow.
Things change...fast. For some reason, I guess...
I don't even know.
Things with him...I guess it was how I wanted it to be. But I guess...argh. Had to watch myself very carefully.
One big jumble of confusion.
Which hit him today.
Maybe he did get my hint that I wrote in his notebook. I don't know what exactly made him realize it, but he did. And...
I knew that's what it was. It was one of those mind-reading moments. And...so many emotions/thoughts ran through my mind. |:
I was primarily upset/frustrated with myself. He's like a lifeline to me in keeping me alive at school, and I didn't wanna hurt him or ruin things. And I guess I really did screw up this time.
And worried that he was mad at me. And worried things would change.
I was so...I didn't wanna pull a "Sarah-Micah". But the way he looked...it was so depressing. D:
And so then we got out of the last debate. And he actually called me back. But...
The thing is, guys are really silly.
"Can we still debate?"
"Huh?"
I had no clue what he was getting at. Until I realized he was worried I was mad at him, and then he started going on and on about 'backing off', how sorry he was, etc. I just felt so...bad. This was Leon. =/ Out of Albert, Fishy, Xu, all them. This was Leon. D:
So we had a huge long talk. Made me learn a lot of things. But the thing that hit me most was how similar he was to Nubcake.
Their minds thought the exact same way. Partially similar maturity. But he was one of those guys like Nubcake that...really cared. Not the pretend-to-care that Nate does, but a legit cares for how I feel and cares for what I do. And I told him how I respect Nubcake so much for the things he does for me and everyone else, and I respect him in the same way as well. Especially...when its not easy for a guy liking a girl to realize himself that she's happier with someone else, and willingly back off for her own good. "I especially don't wanna be that type of jerk to a nice guy." Mmm.
So...for now, things are okay. Worked things out the right way - wishes do come true. Or God is just really good at answering prayers. (: Things to work on now...I guess a big goal of mine would be to just help Leon with school. Particularly, math. (Wow, both of them are struggling with math, too.) And just give back, show appreciation, with debate. Guys like him I really respect (theres only ever been 3: Nubcake, Taylor, and him) and its just...my way of showing it I guess. And as well...just continue to work on relationship with Nubcake. We're both trying hard, and I just really pray things will go well. That we'll both be happy.
Im workin' on it....
The past week. Hmm.
Tuesday had my last exam, hung out with Nubcake (: At first it was an epic fail, both went to different Harvey's. x.x But it worked out in the end. ^^ Ate onionring burger! Went to chapters, mall. Chapters was nice...that one hotels book. xD Picking potential ideal places for honeymoon, ahaha. That seashell and underwater one was epic @_@ Mmm...can't wait till that day when I'm free. Mall was fun, although my legs were very tired :( Tried to find Love Dare book in Coles, but they didn't have it in this one -.- Ran into Landon, oh goodie ^^; Havent talked to her in so long, things really have changed. :S Bus ride back, very relaxing. Fell asleep on Nubcake's shoulder, had a good dream again. It was one of those...really comfy sleeps D: Where you don't wanna wake up and just wanna stay there forever and ever and ever and ever...x) But meh. I always get good sleeps with him there. :3 Felt so cold and alone when he got off >.>
Wednesday.
Went to the mall + bbt with John. (Note to self: Next time get banana BBT cuz it tastes epic :o )
Bought pokeballs at zellers, wasted time watching an infomercial thinking we were gonna get free stuff. xD Stupid zellers. Saw lots of people I knew, including Angela o; Which is good because she wanted to hang out anyways ^^ And saw Linder there! Gotta meet up with her sometime to catch up on things. And lmao, Ustina. "Isn't she going with Ryan??" >.> But yeah, it was fun. Felt like that Ottawa trip again...mmmm...ottawa. @_@ Got a ride back with his sis and cousin, FUNNIEST GIRLS I'VE EVER MET. Omgg, hilarious people. xD
Thursday.
Nothing really.
Friday and today.
Okay...
Well first of all, 93% ON CIVICS SUMMATIVE AND 99% ON MATH EXAM, WHOOOOTTT ~!
Marks: 93, 93, 93, 95, 96, 99.
YEEE. (;
Anyways. Okay. So highlights of yesterday.
Got it confirmed by Shawn that Leon liked me...lol...at first I actually thought he was lying. Guess it was actually true.
For some reason he's so much like Nubcake. Both of them worrying about school...worrying about getting into the University Program they want. Except Leon's a bit more depressing and pessimistic. |: Sigh, why are guys always so difficult?
And then, UW debate.
Wow.
Things change...fast. For some reason, I guess...
I don't even know.
Things with him...I guess it was how I wanted it to be. But I guess...argh. Had to watch myself very carefully.
One big jumble of confusion.
Which hit him today.
Maybe he did get my hint that I wrote in his notebook. I don't know what exactly made him realize it, but he did. And...
I knew that's what it was. It was one of those mind-reading moments. And...so many emotions/thoughts ran through my mind. |:
I was primarily upset/frustrated with myself. He's like a lifeline to me in keeping me alive at school, and I didn't wanna hurt him or ruin things. And I guess I really did screw up this time.
And worried that he was mad at me. And worried things would change.
I was so...I didn't wanna pull a "Sarah-Micah". But the way he looked...it was so depressing. D:
And so then we got out of the last debate. And he actually called me back. But...
The thing is, guys are really silly.
"Can we still debate?"
"Huh?"
I had no clue what he was getting at. Until I realized he was worried I was mad at him, and then he started going on and on about 'backing off', how sorry he was, etc. I just felt so...bad. This was Leon. =/ Out of Albert, Fishy, Xu, all them. This was Leon. D:
So we had a huge long talk. Made me learn a lot of things. But the thing that hit me most was how similar he was to Nubcake.
Their minds thought the exact same way. Partially similar maturity. But he was one of those guys like Nubcake that...really cared. Not the pretend-to-care that Nate does, but a legit cares for how I feel and cares for what I do. And I told him how I respect Nubcake so much for the things he does for me and everyone else, and I respect him in the same way as well. Especially...when its not easy for a guy liking a girl to realize himself that she's happier with someone else, and willingly back off for her own good. "I especially don't wanna be that type of jerk to a nice guy." Mmm.
So...for now, things are okay. Worked things out the right way - wishes do come true. Or God is just really good at answering prayers. (: Things to work on now...I guess a big goal of mine would be to just help Leon with school. Particularly, math. (Wow, both of them are struggling with math, too.) And just give back, show appreciation, with debate. Guys like him I really respect (theres only ever been 3: Nubcake, Taylor, and him) and its just...my way of showing it I guess. And as well...just continue to work on relationship with Nubcake. We're both trying hard, and I just really pray things will go well. That we'll both be happy.
Im workin' on it....
