Weekend...very...interesting. :P
Was so frustrated on saturday x.x Had a fight with parents and then just didn't feel like myself anymore...so dead and fed up with everything. So scared I'd flip out at him, didn't feel like myself at all. At least with him, I'm aware of myself. Scary to think that with others, I'm not even aware. Found an interesting cure for it though...sleep ;o Dunno if its just with him there, or in general. But hmm...he makes a very good pillow :3 Heard him talking while I was asleep...really wonder what he said, couldn't hear most of it clearly :( But I heard he loved me. (: Felt so...comfy, safe, warm, at peace, loved...makes me wish the future would come sooner.

Also got time together on sunday too ^^ Wondered so hard what he was looking for, to be 'creative' >.> Managed to turn the tables around in the end :3 I guess you could say thats one of my definitions of creativity, haha. It was one of those moments where time just seemed to pass by slowly, that each moment could be fully enjoyed (: And silly him, still scared of scaring me away. How far must a person go to prove oneself? x.x But lmao, legitimately the first guy to worry about THAT ;o Not that its a bad thing ^^ I dont like guys who don't think, but he has nothing to worry about. ^^;

Saw the future a lot too...imagined life with him. In a way its wierd, I've never imagined something without actually seeing any details...but thats a good thing. I'm not setting any specifics for the future. I'm happy with what I get, as long as he's in the picture too. I hope my silly 'dream home' fantasies don't start pressuring him though x.x They're just fantasies. Who wouldn't love to have the perfect home, the perfect everything, the way they want it? But its all materialistic, and I wouldn't ever put it before our relationship. I hope he knows that. I'm not expecting extraordinary things. I'm not even the type to rely on the guy for everything. I look to providing myself, and including him in. I don't want pressure on him, so its not something he should be worrying about. Silly nubcake. (:

But future also has its worries...funny how both my dad and Nubcake mentioned my crappy health risking my future in...that sense. x.x Just had to be the guys to bring it up, too. -rolls eyes-. But...I've never really considered that much. In a way, my medical conditions I always just lived to accept it. Its always been genetics, and I overlook it, as if I was still normal like everyone else. And why shouldn't I be? In a way I guess I should have been more careful. In some ways, I was the opposite of Nate. He goes on and exaggerates how he won't have a future, how he's going to die, bla bla bla. And me, I overlook it and go out to do whatever I want. I really should be more careful and realistic Dx This past few days was like a wakeup call. The first slap in the face of reality I've ever had in regards to this. Never before have I wanted my future in that way so badly. In simple terms...I want a family. >.> I want to be normal...and healthy. D; Not just for that, but so I'm not dragging down Nubcake as well...I don't want to be the one he always has to go through the trouble to look after. The one he's always worrying about, stressing about. Sometimes I finally see why my mom is so cold towards me. And at times I feel guilty, and I know I'd never want to make the same mistakes and cause just as much trouble for Nubcake. So its time for change.

Wow. For the first time ever, I'm actually going to have legit New Years Resolutions. Argh. x.x

But yes, future future future. The main thing I'm aiming for now. (:

posted by Nubcakechan @ 5:29 PM