Nubcake's off for the night.
School...is an obstacle. >.> When really taken seriously, its hard to face the realities it throws at you sometimes. When you really start committing to a relationship, you deal with all the things surrounding it too. All the things that affect you. All the things that affect him. All the things that affect your futures combined.
Thinking back to last year...school was rarely ever on my mind. It was worrying. Day after day nonstop worrying. Where he was. How he was doing. His medical issues. His temper. His faithfulness. My mindset was dead on worrying about him. To the point where you blind yourself to everything.
In a way it was good for me. A small, tiny, portion. In the sense that, I didn't stress nearly as much over school. It felt more natural, something I didn't have to force myself to do. When your mind is completely focused and stressed over one thing, other things like school just comes to you mechanically. It becomes second nature, and you naturally do good in it.
Wierd.
For me, at least.
Its not like that anymore. Now my mindset is broader. I don't worry about my Nubcake, don't have to worry about a temper, or major depression, or medical conditions that would have him die any day, or that he'll be unfaithful. I see him as a part of a real world, where I'm including him into everything around us. I see him supporting me as I make and carry out my choices, and me doing the same. I see him looking after me as I do for him. Its the exact opposite of the past - kinda like before it was camera lens zoomed in really closely at one small spot, and now the camera is zoomed out to see a greater picture.

But for me that has its downsides too, I guess. When you're actually facing school and other realities head on, you stumble with what you do. Its not second nature anymore, your mind and body doesn't automatically do it for you anymore. You actually have to try, force yourself. And its not easy. True commitment is committing to him, but committing to the real world too. The more effort I put into the things I do, the more I show that I care for our future. But its so hard. So hard not to skip classes. So hard to get up in the morning and drag yourself to do what you need to do when you're not feeling up to it. So hard to do what you're supposed to, without slacking off. So hard end a conversation because there's more important things to focus on. Like school.

And the impatience, nonstop wanting.
Wishing he could actually kiss me goodnight and tuck me in when I go to bed.
Wishing 'goodnight' didn't mean the same thing as 'goodbye', but instead meant that he'd be there right beside me as I went to sleep.
Wishing the world didn't go by so quickly and we had a little more time with ourselves to do what we wanted.
Wishing I didn't have to so soon, knowing I had to be back somewhere by a certain time. Wishing I could just stay, knowing I could. Knowing there was a time and place for us to stay together.
In simple forms, I guess you could say its the future.
He asked me what my wish would be, if I had one wish.
I'd wish to just have time to be with him however long we wanted, to do whatever we wanted, without anything pulling us apart. So that we could just...focus on each other. Without stress. Without worrying about having to be somewhere, having to get whatever homework done, without worrying about being caught.
I just want time with you.

posted by Nubcakechan @ 9:14 PM