This past week...interesting.
In a new sense.
Its wierd, how, exams start up. Get caught up with school work, studying, and you kind of...seperate yourself from certain realities around you. Its wierd...like, among all this, I feel as if Nubcake's super far away. Like everything was just a...dream (lack of better word) that's kinda just gone because I woke up. Like a dream I keep trying to replay in my head but somehow I just don't click into it completely because I'm back in the 'awake' world.
Wierd.
The awake world...
Is school. Is work. Is everything else like dance and orchestra and everything. Is staying up till 1 talking to "him" about the past, reflecting back to it all and talking like we used to except as two complete different people. Is getting that alone feeling again when I'm facing him because somehow I've noticed it's built a barrier around me that only I can face it, and can't seem to let anyone in with me no matter how hard I try. Is feeling the words he said as he tells me that everytime I see Sophie, every bit of the past and the pain replays again. Is staying up talking, knowing he was right about that part of me being gone. Is wondering whether or not I should believe it all. Is feeling completely cut loose from him and looking back unable to believe any of that really happened. Is realizing no matter how much I despise him for doing all he did, we're still friends.
The awake world. Is school. Is constant struggling, still not quite knowing where to belong, but still trying hard. Is struggling physically, fighting weakness and anemia to do better. Is Leon. Is constantly wondering if he really does like me and what to do. Is hoping he won't bring it up. Is still needing him there because he's somehow the only safe comfort zone I could find here. Is having him keep me happy and have something to work up to, something to strive for. Is still, not knowing what to do.
The awake world. Is missing Nubcake so much. Is wanting to see him, even hear him talk for a little just to know hes still there and to replay it all. Is wanting to move so I can see him and be closer to him. Is longing for more time, dreading everything that takes time away from us. Is knowing he's getting too busy for me and that I should stop trying so hard. Is feeling as if there's less and less time for us to be together. Is wondering what he's doing right now and what's on his mind. Is just...wanting my sun again.
It feels wierd. It doesn't feel right.
I'm happy, yet I'm missing and longing for such a big part of me.
I want this weekend/tuesday/wednesday to get it back again. To feel he's real again. That he's still there.
Just need to make sure...

posted by Nubcakechan @ 8:37 PM