Last night...was great. Until it ended.
With a text.
From a guy.
A jerk of a guy.
Bastard. -.-
Now that I think about it...even without direct intention, he managed to do something to screw us over.
Had he never sent that text, none of this would have happened.
But it did. Dragged me back into that trapped feeling from the past. Where I'm stuck between two things, caught by him and can't get out either way. Hurts whichever way I choose to go.
So first thing Nubcake does...talks about turning to Doris. And then started...I dunno. Just...kinda like praising. Which...brought back a lot of bad memories...and made me feel...ditched? Betrayed? I had relied on him to stay with me and be here with me to go through...but it felt like he just wanted to pull her in for comfort and support. To me. In a way...kinda feels like I'm the sad little girl stuck in a situation while he's the manipulator with power, and the Nubcake and Doris are the two watching me in pain, the ones who can help. But still...I'm singled out.
The feeling of being alone.
This feeling lasted the night...while he continued on...this time hinting again at the past. Telling me to learn compassion...
Compassion....says the one who's holding the power to take away the future for me. To break apart the relationship between Nubcake and I.
Ironic, that he's telling me compassion.
That night...
Felt so...so much like I was back in the past again. Reliving it. Nubcake felt so far away, far out of reach. I was that 'one', alone and falling for whatever he pulls on me.
That was my night.
Today...woke up and rushed to my comp. Check his blog, didn't see anything. My first reaction? It didn't matter that much to him. He always blogged when there was something that affected him...but I didn't see anything. In a way...kinda more disappointed. Maybe I was alone after all.
He wasn't online, either. I had expected that, I guess. Neither did he leave me an email, or a reply to my blog. Left my msn on. Continued to check his blog like insane throughout the day. Didn't see anything. Disappointment.
Went downstairs...worked on my vocal audition, worked on Laputa. Laputa...reminded myself that it was all dedicated to him. It was all because of him, all for him. Made me miss him so much...went back upstairs. He messaged me, but I couldn't tell what exactly was on my mind. I felt horrible, but didn't know if I was ready. If I wasn't ready...I didn't want to face him and let him have to deal with my...uncontentness. Unsteadiness. But I remembered what Nate used to do to me. I remember all the waiting...the bitterness. Feeling useless, hopeless, not knowing what to do. I told myself: I would never hurt my Nubcake the way he did to me. So I called him.
I wanted you to know I was here...still here.
When he picked up...
Never felt so bad. I guess in a way, those corny things in movies about "his pain is my pain", actually is legit. I felt it. When I was hurt, he hurt too, and I, in return, felt his pain too. Hearing him...just wanted to reach out and hold him and let him know I was there, that I was okay, things were okay. I tried to sound cheery. I didn't want him hurt because of my silliness.
But he was.
And I'll never forgive myself for that.
I explained it to him the best I could. Even now, after him convincing me, my thought still stands. But I know his intention. I know I let my feelings slip. The first time it's happened...in that sense. He was relieved to find out I wasn't upset at him. But my feelings still lasted. I still felt trapped, still felt as though he was far away. I occupied myself best I could, I wanted to refresh my mind so I could talk to him normally again. It still hurt like mad.
It took a while. But I guess what really brought me back was...his msn name. "My silly Nubcake (:"
I didn't know why he put it there. But it brought me a sense of reassurance, kind of like...open arms welcoming me home. I'll admit, it kinda jerked a few tears >.> Like a child thats been lost...finally finding their way back into loving arms. Its a good feeling. I love you, Nubcake.
That night...realized he DID write in his blog after all, and that it was hidden by a stupid link D: I read it...broke my heart. x.x Seeing him in so much pain...was MY pain, as well. I realize too...the things he wrote, was exactly what I had said all those times before. Just the same. I felt what he felt...and I felt horrible. Was disgusted at myself. Promised myself to never put him through that again...
Nubcake...I'm so sorry. I promise you. I'll never let my silly thinking hurt you like this again.
Auntie Juana said I was too sensitive. =/ I guess...in a way I am. In the case of...fear of the past, I'm REALLY sensitive, I'll admit. But other than that...its mostly worrying about others. But as for the past...I know I have a lot of fears that has risen. Fear of trusting...fear of him leaving. Fear of my bad habits. Fear of screwing up and making him leave me. But trust me, I'm moving on. I'm changing. Like I've said, I just need you there when I'm slowly moving on, getting used to the new relationship. It takes two...as we've always said. Have faith in me. I'm changing, for you.
Talked to him a lot, about our relationship. One thing he said, really stood out to me. All this has made us stronger. I feel like now...we're less of individuals. Its not just me anymore. Nor is it just him. Its US, a stronger US. We won't be broken apart by these silly things again. Sure, there will always be things that will worry and shake us (e.g. parents, getting caught), but we're not scared anymore. It won't break us apart.
Gave him the test question. If we were to seperate and not see each other for years, would he give up, or would he really wait for me? I know he was hesitant before. Which was what made me iffy of our future. But he answered this time. He was sure. As long as I was there in the end, he would be, too. And I want it. I want it more than anything else in my future, and I KNOW I'll be there. And I guess, if I'll be there, he'll be there too.
It was...reassuring. Understatement, I know. But it was all I really needed to remove all silly thoughts from my mind. I know he wants the future now. I know the one he wants is ME. Yes I still have a lot to build up to, but he wants me. He won't leave me. He loves me.
I don't have to be scared of voicing our future anymore. I don't have to question whether or not he'll really be there. Because he will be. Our future WILL be there, waiting for us.
Its just a matter of time now. Just a matter of patience.
I can live with that. (:
Overall...all this, feels like our relationship really grew (Level up! :D). We're slowly becoming more of a one now...no longer just ourselves, but an 'us'. And tbh...we've still had it pretty easy for us so far. (There usually is worse, more pain when it does come) I think we've dealt with all our situations quite maturely...putting each other into perspective and consideration. Best wishes for our relationship in the new year ♥
posted by Nubcakechan @ 10:22 PM
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