I'm trying, I'm trying.
I love you too, you know. I really do. s2
| Time makes you stronger. >> Sunday, January 31, 2010 |
| Are you there? Or are you just a decoy dream, in my head? >> Friday, January 29, 2010 |
This past week...interesting.
In a new sense.
Its wierd, how, exams start up. Get caught up with school work, studying, and you kind of...seperate yourself from certain realities around you. Its wierd...like, among all this, I feel as if Nubcake's super far away. Like everything was just a...dream (lack of better word) that's kinda just gone because I woke up. Like a dream I keep trying to replay in my head but somehow I just don't click into it completely because I'm back in the 'awake' world.
Wierd.
The awake world...
Is school. Is work. Is everything else like dance and orchestra and everything. Is staying up till 1 talking to "him" about the past, reflecting back to it all and talking like we used to except as two complete different people. Is getting that alone feeling again when I'm facing him because somehow I've noticed it's built a barrier around me that only I can face it, and can't seem to let anyone in with me no matter how hard I try. Is feeling the words he said as he tells me that everytime I see Sophie, every bit of the past and the pain replays again. Is staying up talking, knowing he was right about that part of me being gone. Is wondering whether or not I should believe it all. Is feeling completely cut loose from him and looking back unable to believe any of that really happened. Is realizing no matter how much I despise him for doing all he did, we're still friends.
The awake world. Is school. Is constant struggling, still not quite knowing where to belong, but still trying hard. Is struggling physically, fighting weakness and anemia to do better. Is Leon. Is constantly wondering if he really does like me and what to do. Is hoping he won't bring it up. Is still needing him there because he's somehow the only safe comfort zone I could find here. Is having him keep me happy and have something to work up to, something to strive for. Is still, not knowing what to do.
The awake world. Is missing Nubcake so much. Is wanting to see him, even hear him talk for a little just to know hes still there and to replay it all. Is wanting to move so I can see him and be closer to him. Is longing for more time, dreading everything that takes time away from us. Is knowing he's getting too busy for me and that I should stop trying so hard. Is feeling as if there's less and less time for us to be together. Is wondering what he's doing right now and what's on his mind. Is just...wanting my sun again.
It feels wierd. It doesn't feel right.
I'm happy, yet I'm missing and longing for such a big part of me.
I want this weekend/tuesday/wednesday to get it back again. To feel he's real again. That he's still there.
Just need to make sure...
In a new sense.
Its wierd, how, exams start up. Get caught up with school work, studying, and you kind of...seperate yourself from certain realities around you. Its wierd...like, among all this, I feel as if Nubcake's super far away. Like everything was just a...dream (lack of better word) that's kinda just gone because I woke up. Like a dream I keep trying to replay in my head but somehow I just don't click into it completely because I'm back in the 'awake' world.
Wierd.
The awake world...
Is school. Is work. Is everything else like dance and orchestra and everything. Is staying up till 1 talking to "him" about the past, reflecting back to it all and talking like we used to except as two complete different people. Is getting that alone feeling again when I'm facing him because somehow I've noticed it's built a barrier around me that only I can face it, and can't seem to let anyone in with me no matter how hard I try. Is feeling the words he said as he tells me that everytime I see Sophie, every bit of the past and the pain replays again. Is staying up talking, knowing he was right about that part of me being gone. Is wondering whether or not I should believe it all. Is feeling completely cut loose from him and looking back unable to believe any of that really happened. Is realizing no matter how much I despise him for doing all he did, we're still friends.
The awake world. Is school. Is constant struggling, still not quite knowing where to belong, but still trying hard. Is struggling physically, fighting weakness and anemia to do better. Is Leon. Is constantly wondering if he really does like me and what to do. Is hoping he won't bring it up. Is still needing him there because he's somehow the only safe comfort zone I could find here. Is having him keep me happy and have something to work up to, something to strive for. Is still, not knowing what to do.
The awake world. Is missing Nubcake so much. Is wanting to see him, even hear him talk for a little just to know hes still there and to replay it all. Is wanting to move so I can see him and be closer to him. Is longing for more time, dreading everything that takes time away from us. Is knowing he's getting too busy for me and that I should stop trying so hard. Is feeling as if there's less and less time for us to be together. Is wondering what he's doing right now and what's on his mind. Is just...wanting my sun again.
It feels wierd. It doesn't feel right.
I'm happy, yet I'm missing and longing for such a big part of me.
I want this weekend/tuesday/wednesday to get it back again. To feel he's real again. That he's still there.
Just need to make sure...
| x_x >> Thursday, January 28, 2010 |
| 我不信自己... >> Wednesday, January 27, 2010 |
| NUBCAKE GOT PWNED YESTERDAY. :3 >> Monday, January 25, 2010 |
I'm happy.
Despite exams, stress, not being able to finish what I should, missing Nubcake, worrying about next few years, worrying about my own status and family issues,
For some odd reason,
I'm happy.
Gotta thank Leon for giving me that reality check. Kinda like what Nubcake did during all our talks in the summer.
Mmm...if Nubcake was here right now, I'd give him a big bearhug. (:
Then again, he's still intent on punishing me next time I see him >.>
HICKIE.
:3
Despite exams, stress, not being able to finish what I should, missing Nubcake, worrying about next few years, worrying about my own status and family issues,
For some odd reason,
I'm happy.
Gotta thank Leon for giving me that reality check. Kinda like what Nubcake did during all our talks in the summer.
Mmm...if Nubcake was here right now, I'd give him a big bearhug. (:
Then again, he's still intent on punishing me next time I see him >.>
HICKIE.
:3
| Camera lenses. >> Friday, January 22, 2010 |
Nubcake's off for the night.
School...is an obstacle. >.> When really taken seriously, its hard to face the realities it throws at you sometimes. When you really start committing to a relationship, you deal with all the things surrounding it too. All the things that affect you. All the things that affect him. All the things that affect your futures combined.
Thinking back to last year...school was rarely ever on my mind. It was worrying. Day after day nonstop worrying. Where he was. How he was doing. His medical issues. His temper. His faithfulness. My mindset was dead on worrying about him. To the point where you blind yourself to everything.
In a way it was good for me. A small, tiny, portion. In the sense that, I didn't stress nearly as much over school. It felt more natural, something I didn't have to force myself to do. When your mind is completely focused and stressed over one thing, other things like school just comes to you mechanically. It becomes second nature, and you naturally do good in it.
Wierd.
For me, at least.
Its not like that anymore. Now my mindset is broader. I don't worry about my Nubcake, don't have to worry about a temper, or major depression, or medical conditions that would have him die any day, or that he'll be unfaithful. I see him as a part of a real world, where I'm including him into everything around us. I see him supporting me as I make and carry out my choices, and me doing the same. I see him looking after me as I do for him. Its the exact opposite of the past - kinda like before it was camera lens zoomed in really closely at one small spot, and now the camera is zoomed out to see a greater picture.
But for me that has its downsides too, I guess. When you're actually facing school and other realities head on, you stumble with what you do. Its not second nature anymore, your mind and body doesn't automatically do it for you anymore. You actually have to try, force yourself. And its not easy. True commitment is committing to him, but committing to the real world too. The more effort I put into the things I do, the more I show that I care for our future. But its so hard. So hard not to skip classes. So hard to get up in the morning and drag yourself to do what you need to do when you're not feeling up to it. So hard to do what you're supposed to, without slacking off. So hard end a conversation because there's more important things to focus on. Like school.
And the impatience, nonstop wanting.
Wishing he could actually kiss me goodnight and tuck me in when I go to bed.
Wishing 'goodnight' didn't mean the same thing as 'goodbye', but instead meant that he'd be there right beside me as I went to sleep.
Wishing the world didn't go by so quickly and we had a little more time with ourselves to do what we wanted.
Wishing I didn't have to so soon, knowing I had to be back somewhere by a certain time. Wishing I could just stay, knowing I could. Knowing there was a time and place for us to stay together.
In simple forms, I guess you could say its the future.
He asked me what my wish would be, if I had one wish.
I'd wish to just have time to be with him however long we wanted, to do whatever we wanted, without anything pulling us apart. So that we could just...focus on each other. Without stress. Without worrying about having to be somewhere, having to get whatever homework done, without worrying about being caught.
I just want time with you.
School...is an obstacle. >.> When really taken seriously, its hard to face the realities it throws at you sometimes. When you really start committing to a relationship, you deal with all the things surrounding it too. All the things that affect you. All the things that affect him. All the things that affect your futures combined.
Thinking back to last year...school was rarely ever on my mind. It was worrying. Day after day nonstop worrying. Where he was. How he was doing. His medical issues. His temper. His faithfulness. My mindset was dead on worrying about him. To the point where you blind yourself to everything.
In a way it was good for me. A small, tiny, portion. In the sense that, I didn't stress nearly as much over school. It felt more natural, something I didn't have to force myself to do. When your mind is completely focused and stressed over one thing, other things like school just comes to you mechanically. It becomes second nature, and you naturally do good in it.
Wierd.
For me, at least.
Its not like that anymore. Now my mindset is broader. I don't worry about my Nubcake, don't have to worry about a temper, or major depression, or medical conditions that would have him die any day, or that he'll be unfaithful. I see him as a part of a real world, where I'm including him into everything around us. I see him supporting me as I make and carry out my choices, and me doing the same. I see him looking after me as I do for him. Its the exact opposite of the past - kinda like before it was camera lens zoomed in really closely at one small spot, and now the camera is zoomed out to see a greater picture.
But for me that has its downsides too, I guess. When you're actually facing school and other realities head on, you stumble with what you do. Its not second nature anymore, your mind and body doesn't automatically do it for you anymore. You actually have to try, force yourself. And its not easy. True commitment is committing to him, but committing to the real world too. The more effort I put into the things I do, the more I show that I care for our future. But its so hard. So hard not to skip classes. So hard to get up in the morning and drag yourself to do what you need to do when you're not feeling up to it. So hard to do what you're supposed to, without slacking off. So hard end a conversation because there's more important things to focus on. Like school.
And the impatience, nonstop wanting.
Wishing he could actually kiss me goodnight and tuck me in when I go to bed.
Wishing 'goodnight' didn't mean the same thing as 'goodbye', but instead meant that he'd be there right beside me as I went to sleep.
Wishing the world didn't go by so quickly and we had a little more time with ourselves to do what we wanted.
Wishing I didn't have to so soon, knowing I had to be back somewhere by a certain time. Wishing I could just stay, knowing I could. Knowing there was a time and place for us to stay together.
In simple forms, I guess you could say its the future.
He asked me what my wish would be, if I had one wish.
I'd wish to just have time to be with him however long we wanted, to do whatever we wanted, without anything pulling us apart. So that we could just...focus on each other. Without stress. Without worrying about having to be somewhere, having to get whatever homework done, without worrying about being caught.
I just want time with you.
| Yay. Ups and downs. >> Tuesday, January 19, 2010 |
So after that downfall last week...things shot back up nicely again. Always seems to do that, I find.
That day...
Recalling Sunday. Dont know why I'm remembering it so much. I guess, it...
To be honest, it hurt. Before I was convinced, and the things he had said last night kind of...took it all back. Away.
And in a sense...I'm still not completely sure what his answer is. Would he keep changing it? =/
Seeing him that day...didn't know what to say or do. Felt so uncertain for once. And then when I found him sitting on the stairs...hugging him not knowing what his reaction was towards me. Whether he wanted me there or not. Just wishing he knew I was.
My Nubcake...always seem to spare so much feeling for him.
Thing that I'm still wondering about...what did he mean, couldn't even tell me he loved me before I left that night?
It was what my previous post was about...but...yeah.
Question unanswered. >.>
Anyways. This week's gone by pretty nicely (: School's going by fast and...happy. Pre-exam rush is at it as well, blehh. Surprisingly civics is appealing nicely to me, too bad it has to end right when it is. D: Discovered the art room today (well, moreso that I can work in there ;o). Next time I need to finish clay projects, I'll use there. ^^;
Nubcake's spending after schools studying. But in a way, its good that I have time with no distraction just to finish work. Although regardless, I still get distracted in some way. x.x ADHD ftl...
Sold the house too, finally. (: Official move date: Feb 6th now. Its a sat ;o Wierd...haha. Gonna be at Dance, Worship AND sna during that day. Wonder how thats gonna work out. And hmm...means I'll finally be close to Nubcake ;o Can't wait ~ Still imagining sneaking him over...x3 Buahaha. Lying on his chest in his arms...in my bed...under covers. >.> Nope, doesn't sound sketch. :3 Makes me think of semi...coming up. ;o And no, don't think I'm gonna go to WCI's. =/ That week is just waayy too busy...D: Plus, don't want any more rumors starting, especially after AB last year. x.x but haha...funny he mentioned grinding yesterday. :P Very interested to see....kekeke. :3
Ugh, another florida daydream. x.x One of my dreamies for now :3 Seems so perfect...@_@ Mm, just take a whole summer off as a honeymoon...disney and universal, beaches, resorts....*grabby hands* Its always been a happy place to be. (: Will probably be that much better with just me and Nubcake ;o (has skipped details)
More to say but theres orch tomorrow. x.x Hope the day goes by fast again.
That day...
Recalling Sunday. Dont know why I'm remembering it so much. I guess, it...
To be honest, it hurt. Before I was convinced, and the things he had said last night kind of...took it all back. Away.
And in a sense...I'm still not completely sure what his answer is. Would he keep changing it? =/
Seeing him that day...didn't know what to say or do. Felt so uncertain for once. And then when I found him sitting on the stairs...hugging him not knowing what his reaction was towards me. Whether he wanted me there or not. Just wishing he knew I was.
My Nubcake...always seem to spare so much feeling for him.
Thing that I'm still wondering about...what did he mean, couldn't even tell me he loved me before I left that night?
It was what my previous post was about...but...yeah.
Question unanswered. >.>
Anyways. This week's gone by pretty nicely (: School's going by fast and...happy. Pre-exam rush is at it as well, blehh. Surprisingly civics is appealing nicely to me, too bad it has to end right when it is. D: Discovered the art room today (well, moreso that I can work in there ;o). Next time I need to finish clay projects, I'll use there. ^^;
Nubcake's spending after schools studying. But in a way, its good that I have time with no distraction just to finish work. Although regardless, I still get distracted in some way. x.x ADHD ftl...
Sold the house too, finally. (: Official move date: Feb 6th now. Its a sat ;o Wierd...haha. Gonna be at Dance, Worship AND sna during that day. Wonder how thats gonna work out. And hmm...means I'll finally be close to Nubcake ;o Can't wait ~ Still imagining sneaking him over...x3 Buahaha. Lying on his chest in his arms...in my bed...under covers. >.> Nope, doesn't sound sketch. :3 Makes me think of semi...coming up. ;o And no, don't think I'm gonna go to WCI's. =/ That week is just waayy too busy...D: Plus, don't want any more rumors starting, especially after AB last year. x.x but haha...funny he mentioned grinding yesterday. :P Very interested to see....kekeke. :3
Ugh, another florida daydream. x.x One of my dreamies for now :3 Seems so perfect...@_@ Mm, just take a whole summer off as a honeymoon...disney and universal, beaches, resorts....*grabby hands* Its always been a happy place to be. (: Will probably be that much better with just me and Nubcake ;o (has skipped details)
More to say but theres orch tomorrow. x.x Hope the day goes by fast again.
| Nothing. >> Saturday, January 16, 2010 |
Like turning back around hoping for something more.
Ironically,
Its not walking away, when what youre walking away from was already gone.
Just let me cry this all out tonight.
Tear open every wound.
Let it hurt so bad, non stop.
Let the nightmares come.
Until it runs dry.
And I can't cry anymore. And you can't possibly tear any more wounds.
And it can't possibly hurt anymore because the impossible limit to pain has hit.
And that nightmares start running out of ideas.
Tonight. Please.
Ironically,
Its not walking away, when what youre walking away from was already gone.
Just let me cry this all out tonight.
Tear open every wound.
Let it hurt so bad, non stop.
Let the nightmares come.
Until it runs dry.
And I can't cry anymore. And you can't possibly tear any more wounds.
And it can't possibly hurt anymore because the impossible limit to pain has hit.
And that nightmares start running out of ideas.
Tonight. Please.
| Future. >> |
You're right. You can't tell the future.
You couldn't tell who you were going to turn to.
Could you?
You said you'd be there.
Near future.
At least.
For me.
You said you'd be there.
You said you wouldn't leave.
Promised...
So tell me,
What the hell is a future?
There's no such thing as a near future. There's no such thing as 'next few years'. Heck, theres no such thing as a future at all.
Its just people, in the end.
Its just choices.
Choices.
Yours was a bunch of lies.
That's your future. That you gave to me, too.
You couldn't tell who you were going to turn to.
Could you?
You said you'd be there.
Near future.
At least.
For me.
You said you'd be there.
You said you wouldn't leave.
Promised...
So tell me,
What the hell is a future?
There's no such thing as a near future. There's no such thing as 'next few years'. Heck, theres no such thing as a future at all.
Its just people, in the end.
Its just choices.
Choices.
Yours was a bunch of lies.
That's your future. That you gave to me, too.
| Interesting encounter. Brought back memories. >> Thursday, January 14, 2010 |
You're the sky that I fell through, And I remember the view, Whenever I'm holding you. The sun hung from a string, Looking down on the world as it warms over everything. Chills run down my spine, As our fingers entwine, And your sighs harmonize with mine, Unmistakably.
I can still feel your heart beat fast when you dance with me, We got older and I should've known, That I'd feel colder when I walk alone, So I may as well ditch my dismay, Bombs away, bombs away.
Circle me and the needle moves gracefully, Back and forth, If my heart was a compass you'd be north. Risk it all cause I'll catch you when you fall, Wherever you go, If my heart was a house you'd be home.
It makes me smile because you said it best. I would clearly feel blessed if the sun rose up from the west. Flower balm perfume, all my clothes smell like you. Cause your favorite shade is navy blue. I walk slowly when I'm on my own. Yeah, but frankly I still feel alone. So I may as well ditch my dismay, Bombs away, bombs away.
Circle me and the needle moves gracefully. Back and forth. If my heart was a compass you'd be north. Risk it all cause I'll catch you when you fall. Wherever you go. If my heart was a house you'd be home.
If my heart was a house you'd be home.
I can still feel your heart beat fast when you dance with me, We got older and I should've known, That I'd feel colder when I walk alone, So I may as well ditch my dismay, Bombs away, bombs away.
Circle me and the needle moves gracefully, Back and forth, If my heart was a compass you'd be north. Risk it all cause I'll catch you when you fall, Wherever you go, If my heart was a house you'd be home.
It makes me smile because you said it best. I would clearly feel blessed if the sun rose up from the west. Flower balm perfume, all my clothes smell like you. Cause your favorite shade is navy blue. I walk slowly when I'm on my own. Yeah, but frankly I still feel alone. So I may as well ditch my dismay, Bombs away, bombs away.
Circle me and the needle moves gracefully. Back and forth. If my heart was a compass you'd be north. Risk it all cause I'll catch you when you fall. Wherever you go. If my heart was a house you'd be home.
If my heart was a house you'd be home.
| Le sick. >> |
Sick today. Not coughcough sick, but headache blaahh ima go die sick.
Was quite pissed most of the day. Henrich and her stupidity...Gawd, I hate english class. HER english class. And yes, I'd rather fail than give in to her 'superior opinions' which are 'always correct'. -_-''
Nubcake's staying at school today.
Almost went there, during spare. Was a hard choice.
Almost did. Almost failed.
Almost.
But ended up resisting. Told myself its time to get used to things and leave him alone. Step aside.
Its not easy...
Kinda hurts. Kinda sad.
Hate these things in life, sometimes. x-x''
Gonna go try and sleep it off.
Was quite pissed most of the day. Henrich and her stupidity...Gawd, I hate english class. HER english class. And yes, I'd rather fail than give in to her 'superior opinions' which are 'always correct'. -_-''
Nubcake's staying at school today.
Almost went there, during spare. Was a hard choice.
Almost did. Almost failed.
Almost.
But ended up resisting. Told myself its time to get used to things and leave him alone. Step aside.
Its not easy...
Kinda hurts. Kinda sad.
Hate these things in life, sometimes. x-x''
Gonna go try and sleep it off.
| Sigh. >> Wednesday, January 13, 2010 |
| Everything more. All to you... >> |
More than the words can explain,
More than the falling rain,
More than the sun shines upon your lovely face .
It's more than a love song...
But words are a lovely try,
For something more.
And I wanna give it all to you,
All to you...
More than the falling rain,
More than the sun shines upon your lovely face .
It's more than a love song...
But words are a lovely try,
For something more.
And I wanna give it all to you,
All to you...
| Trying to get back, to where it all began. >> |
I think I'll go to Boston...I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...I
think I'll go to Boston, I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
...
Tired and restless. Don't really know where anything's getting me. Don't really know.
Its hard trying to chase something I once gave away. Gave up on. Leaving.
Don't know if I can find again.
Never the same...
Is this really all there is, to it?
Wish I could just go somewhere new.
Somewhere away from here for a while.
Maybe somewhere sunny.
Meet some new people.
Start over. Erase.
Back to the beginning.
Two more years.
| Just thinking... >> Tuesday, January 12, 2010 |
Not gonna go into details about my day. Main thing from yesterday.
Moss was talking about her daughter's relationship...how they started from 'seeing each other' (unofficially official x3) and then developed into a relationship...(because he wanted to date her so badly xD). I think....seeing is a great way to understand all the aspects of the other person before diving into a relationship. For me...I think I learned lots. (: Its good to know the other really well...haha, I think I know my Nubcake quite well. :3 Enough that he literally feels like the other part of me. x.x Thus I can't imagine 2 years without....bleh. Will get into, later. ANYWAYS. One thing she said that really stood out: "Its not just their love, but their respect they have for one another." Which is so true. I guess...when people think relationship, the big word that always pops out is 'love'. Or whatever. But...when you think about it...its not just about love. Its about the other person (overlooked), and really how much respect you have for each other, how much consideration you have for THEM, not just yourselves. "And she teases him, a LOT, and he teases back, and theyre always laughing and telling inside jokes..." Haha. Teasing, laughing, joking...my Nubcake. (: Haha, she wanted them to get married so badly xD I wish my mom was that supportive >.> Ugh.
I think I'm noticing couples too much...like today. Walked out, saw Lianne and Sean Hubberstey cuddled together. o_O Wasn't expecting THAT. But the look they had....so happy. @_@ Makes me remember all those times Nubacke and I just looked at each other...and one of us always asks "what?", and the other would reply "Can I not look at my Nubcake and smile?" Haha. Pleased with what youre seeing, like you can't get enough of it, like nothing could make you happier. I miss him.
Other thing that came to mind today...really put to perspective.
Nubcake's graduating soon. In just months...wow. Its wierd, when I really think about it, never really fully imagined him...not being there. Not seeing him for so long. I mean, yeah, I've gone months where we barely talked or saw each other, but...for one, that was back then. And this...this is years. Right now even one week is long and dreadful. Two or more years...x.x I don't know. It'll be hard. No one to even rant to. x.x And I guess....(I know this is silly thinking but..yeah). Just those times I'm not there for him...when he's down, needs someone there and I can't be there, who would he turn to? Just the thought...of who would take over the 'me' when he's far away. T.T I wonder if it'd ever be the same for him...or better. Or not as good. Questions unanswered. =/
Or who I'll become. What company I'll have, by then. How I'll spend the free time without him there. Who I'll turn to. The type of person I'll become...
I know some things for sure. Summer...VBS will be my favorite thing look forward to. I'd anticipate all the days he comes home. Church won't be the same anymore, and in some cases I might change. Maybe try a few different ones. But mostly, I'd stay. School...Grade 11. Focus entirely on my work. Build up a reputation with Leon for debate...become directors for shows. Find a parttime job, get back into volleyball. Fix my health problems. Start working out a bit more. Sigh...
Thats all I have in plan for the future, really. When I really think about it, its all just ways to kill time. To keep my mind occupied so it won't wander into missing too much. And after all that, apply to university. Go into business or meds (likely meds at this point). Move out. Find him. Live on.
Its the test. See how we hold up. I know I'll never want anything else, and there can't really be much more I can find elsewhere. I've finally built myself up and theres no way I'd tear it all down again. I've learned selfcontrol through this time, and it's time I apply it. I've felt what its like to wait, and I should be prepared for it. I'd wait. And hope he is too, on the other side.
And hey, they do say that time spent apart will make love grow stronger. (:
And then when we do meet up again...
The prize is waiting?
Things would be so much easier.
No more alone...no more worries.
It'll be party in the usa. :D
Or, whereever we end up. >.>
Just gotta get past the waiting. ;o
Stay Nubcake, stay...dont change. Future's on its way~
Moss was talking about her daughter's relationship...how they started from 'seeing each other' (unofficially official x3) and then developed into a relationship...(because he wanted to date her so badly xD). I think....seeing is a great way to understand all the aspects of the other person before diving into a relationship. For me...I think I learned lots. (: Its good to know the other really well...haha, I think I know my Nubcake quite well. :3 Enough that he literally feels like the other part of me. x.x Thus I can't imagine 2 years without....bleh. Will get into, later. ANYWAYS. One thing she said that really stood out: "Its not just their love, but their respect they have for one another." Which is so true. I guess...when people think relationship, the big word that always pops out is 'love'. Or whatever. But...when you think about it...its not just about love. Its about the other person (overlooked), and really how much respect you have for each other, how much consideration you have for THEM, not just yourselves. "And she teases him, a LOT, and he teases back, and theyre always laughing and telling inside jokes..." Haha. Teasing, laughing, joking...my Nubcake. (: Haha, she wanted them to get married so badly xD I wish my mom was that supportive >.> Ugh.
I think I'm noticing couples too much...like today. Walked out, saw Lianne and Sean Hubberstey cuddled together. o_O Wasn't expecting THAT. But the look they had....so happy. @_@ Makes me remember all those times Nubacke and I just looked at each other...and one of us always asks "what?", and the other would reply "Can I not look at my Nubcake and smile?" Haha. Pleased with what youre seeing, like you can't get enough of it, like nothing could make you happier. I miss him.
Other thing that came to mind today...really put to perspective.
Nubcake's graduating soon. In just months...wow. Its wierd, when I really think about it, never really fully imagined him...not being there. Not seeing him for so long. I mean, yeah, I've gone months where we barely talked or saw each other, but...for one, that was back then. And this...this is years. Right now even one week is long and dreadful. Two or more years...x.x I don't know. It'll be hard. No one to even rant to. x.x And I guess....(I know this is silly thinking but..yeah). Just those times I'm not there for him...when he's down, needs someone there and I can't be there, who would he turn to? Just the thought...of who would take over the 'me' when he's far away. T.T I wonder if it'd ever be the same for him...or better. Or not as good. Questions unanswered. =/
Or who I'll become. What company I'll have, by then. How I'll spend the free time without him there. Who I'll turn to. The type of person I'll become...
I know some things for sure. Summer...VBS will be my favorite thing look forward to. I'd anticipate all the days he comes home. Church won't be the same anymore, and in some cases I might change. Maybe try a few different ones. But mostly, I'd stay. School...Grade 11. Focus entirely on my work. Build up a reputation with Leon for debate...become directors for shows. Find a parttime job, get back into volleyball. Fix my health problems. Start working out a bit more. Sigh...
Thats all I have in plan for the future, really. When I really think about it, its all just ways to kill time. To keep my mind occupied so it won't wander into missing too much. And after all that, apply to university. Go into business or meds (likely meds at this point). Move out. Find him. Live on.
Its the test. See how we hold up. I know I'll never want anything else, and there can't really be much more I can find elsewhere. I've finally built myself up and theres no way I'd tear it all down again. I've learned selfcontrol through this time, and it's time I apply it. I've felt what its like to wait, and I should be prepared for it. I'd wait. And hope he is too, on the other side.
And hey, they do say that time spent apart will make love grow stronger. (:
And then when we do meet up again...
The prize is waiting?
Things would be so much easier.
No more alone...no more worries.
It'll be party in the usa. :D
Or, whereever we end up. >.>
Just gotta get past the waiting. ;o
Stay Nubcake, stay...dont change. Future's on its way~
| Yay. >> Monday, January 11, 2010 |
There goes highlight of february. x.x
Maybe I'll celebrate it with John or something.
Yeah.
(Update on today...tomorrow. Meh.)
Maybe I'll celebrate it with John or something.
Yeah.
(Update on today...tomorrow. Meh.)
| What love? I don't see it. >> Saturday, January 9, 2010 |
Who the hell came up with the stupid saying of "home is where the heart is", or the retarded and nonexistent concept of "loving parents"? Either they are fucked in the head, or I was that kid that got dumped in the shithole. -_-''
| Lyrics for keeping. ^^ >> Friday, January 8, 2010 |
(Surprisingly this song is sang as a duet, feat. Colbie Caillat - girl who sings Bubbly :P)
Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
| (8) I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend... >> Wednesday, January 6, 2010 |
YAY DIDNT FALL ASLEEP TODAY. :D
-victory dance-
Overall it was quite a good day (: Got perfect on my one civics assignment, found myself a good group in gym for ribbon dance, and had a good history class. ^^ Strings class performing at Mayor's party on sunday - good way to spend my time, instead of sitting there by myself after Nubcake leaves. (:
Things to do:
- Vocals/Instrumentals/Drama/Fashion Show Audition for Multi 2010
- Civics assignment
- History Essay (collect info)
- Science Fair basics
- LOTF English package
- Math!!!
- Study for exams
- Come up with stuff for the Dance assignment
Good to have a list to keep track ^^; It just looks a bit...overwhelming, to have all that done in the next 2 weeks. D: GOGOGO.
(8) I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday...
I'm lucky I have someone like Nubcake, who won't just ditch me because he's busy, or I'm busy. But rather, we know we'll be 'going home someday', to that future we're aiming for.
Keep striving Nubcake ^^ We'll make it through~
-victory dance-
Overall it was quite a good day (: Got perfect on my one civics assignment, found myself a good group in gym for ribbon dance, and had a good history class. ^^ Strings class performing at Mayor's party on sunday - good way to spend my time, instead of sitting there by myself after Nubcake leaves. (:
Things to do:
- Vocals/Instrumentals/Drama/Fashion Show Audition for Multi 2010
- Civics assignment
- History Essay (collect info)
- Science Fair basics
- LOTF English package
- Math!!!
- Study for exams
- Come up with stuff for the Dance assignment
Good to have a list to keep track ^^; It just looks a bit...overwhelming, to have all that done in the next 2 weeks. D: GOGOGO.
(8) I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday...
I'm lucky I have someone like Nubcake, who won't just ditch me because he's busy, or I'm busy. But rather, we know we'll be 'going home someday', to that future we're aiming for.
Keep striving Nubcake ^^ We'll make it through~
| Its harder than I'd think. >> Tuesday, January 5, 2010 |
YAY: Didn't fall asleep today after much struggle. >.> Went out with lunch with my old friends. Orchestra was fun.
NAY: Staying awake was still hard. Dx Things feel...awkward, not the same, with friends. Lots of homework. Nubcake isnt here. D:
I wonder how school would feel if I didn't fall asleep every 5 mins. -.-
Seeing Leo and Sayana down the halls...makes me wonder what it'd be like having Nubcake at my school.
Epic thought @_@
Nice dream yesterday...:3
NAY: Staying awake was still hard. Dx Things feel...awkward, not the same, with friends. Lots of homework. Nubcake isnt here. D:
I wonder how school would feel if I didn't fall asleep every 5 mins. -.-
Seeing Leo and Sayana down the halls...makes me wonder what it'd be like having Nubcake at my school.
Epic thought @_@
Nice dream yesterday...:3
| When at first you don't succeed, try, try again. >> Monday, January 4, 2010 |
So today didn't go exactly as planned.
Civics...welcomed us with open arms with a new huge assignment. -.- Sad thing is, this isn't even our summative. I thought she said we finished all ours. -_-'' Due by next week too...fml.
French did nothing.
Science did nothing but talk. Kept falling asleep...or even just blinking trying to stay awake. >.> Fusco kept pointing it out to the class. Argh...hope he doesn't think I'm like...retarded or something. D: Sheesh, gives such a bad impression. x.x Screwed for science fair...gotta go over it sometime. D:
Math was just...math. Distraction, and blah. Gonna have to memorize all the notes + homework sometime...this test is purely based on my memory now. Gogogo Nubcake~
Talked with Nubcake about future...worried for him, but trusting he'll make it through in the end. (: God...just give him the motivation and strength to carry on...and let his hard work pay off for him. We both want that future...fighting to recieve it. I guess, even if he doesn't make it this year, worse situation would be 5th year. Holding him back by a year...but if it benefits him in the end, it's worth it, whatever it takes. Not that I'm minding, I for sure don't mind waiting. As I told him back in the very beginning when he asked, yes I would wait. Whatever he needs, its there. Don't have to worry about me, I'll be there in the end. For sure.
And I hope...he just...I dunno. Spends more time focusing on making it through with a positive attitude, rather than worrying about supporting me in the future. My silly Nubcake, don't need to worry about supporting me, or being 'good enough' for me. I won't leave you, even if you do become unsuccessful. Even if we have nothing in the end. I'll still be there, and I'll still love you just as much. Its all about facing things together, and you making it through this is the first step. Focus, Nubcake. Think positive. Have confidence. I believe in you. (:
As for me...really need to get over this sleeping problem. Slowly trying to adjust myself...hope it works. =/ At the same time...gonna try to get back my group of friends as well. I guess this is one of the main things I fear. Its not easy getting back into a social group when it was hard getting in, in the first place. The popular crowd...-sigh- I know they're my friends no matter what. But I just want to have...somewhere permanent to stay in, y'know? Feel so isolated and unsocial. x.x Too tired to talk, to bother. But no, I'm going to change that. Hopefully starting tomorrow. Wish me luck. (:
Sleep now. Hope you have a good day at school tomorrow. ^^
Ga-Yow Nubcakes! s2
Civics...welcomed us with open arms with a new huge assignment. -.- Sad thing is, this isn't even our summative. I thought she said we finished all ours. -_-'' Due by next week too...fml.
French did nothing.
Science did nothing but talk. Kept falling asleep...or even just blinking trying to stay awake. >.> Fusco kept pointing it out to the class. Argh...hope he doesn't think I'm like...retarded or something. D: Sheesh, gives such a bad impression. x.x Screwed for science fair...gotta go over it sometime. D:
Math was just...math. Distraction, and blah. Gonna have to memorize all the notes + homework sometime...this test is purely based on my memory now. Gogogo Nubcake~
Talked with Nubcake about future...worried for him, but trusting he'll make it through in the end. (: God...just give him the motivation and strength to carry on...and let his hard work pay off for him. We both want that future...fighting to recieve it. I guess, even if he doesn't make it this year, worse situation would be 5th year. Holding him back by a year...but if it benefits him in the end, it's worth it, whatever it takes. Not that I'm minding, I for sure don't mind waiting. As I told him back in the very beginning when he asked, yes I would wait. Whatever he needs, its there. Don't have to worry about me, I'll be there in the end. For sure.
And I hope...he just...I dunno. Spends more time focusing on making it through with a positive attitude, rather than worrying about supporting me in the future. My silly Nubcake, don't need to worry about supporting me, or being 'good enough' for me. I won't leave you, even if you do become unsuccessful. Even if we have nothing in the end. I'll still be there, and I'll still love you just as much. Its all about facing things together, and you making it through this is the first step. Focus, Nubcake. Think positive. Have confidence. I believe in you. (:
As for me...really need to get over this sleeping problem. Slowly trying to adjust myself...hope it works. =/ At the same time...gonna try to get back my group of friends as well. I guess this is one of the main things I fear. Its not easy getting back into a social group when it was hard getting in, in the first place. The popular crowd...-sigh- I know they're my friends no matter what. But I just want to have...somewhere permanent to stay in, y'know? Feel so isolated and unsocial. x.x Too tired to talk, to bother. But no, I'm going to change that. Hopefully starting tomorrow. Wish me luck. (:
Sleep now. Hope you have a good day at school tomorrow. ^^
Ga-Yow Nubcakes! s2
| Faith. >> Sunday, January 3, 2010 |
Quick going over today...
Church. Scared me at first, didn't see Nubcake when I got there. Dad was outside too x.x Was worried he wouldn't show up, but then he did (: Wanted to give him a big hug and just have a chance to talk to him D: Missed him so much. Still do, I hate abrupt goodbyes. =/ Nate kept throwing me dirty looks for some reason, pissed me off pretty badly. Made a really long prayer...God, please just take these wounds that I've tried to cover up the past year and tear them open. Let them hurt and run and run until all the pain runs out and help me heal. I know I can.
Singspiration...lmao. Auntie Wendy...felt like she had this watchful eye on us, the kinda sketchy feeling where I think she's thinking something >.> REALLY felt like it, hmmm...Argh. Whatever. Tried to be on my best behavior. x.x
Sunday school was good?...I really like Uncle Frank's teaching, tbh. He really gets down to reality. Kinda like Heidi used to. But his is more...REALLY dealing with real life issues. Just hope the class can start to connect with each other more, and open up to each other. In a way...I feel like this is what Jr/Praylude's purpose was, and how SNA should be. [SNA...will get to that later >.>] But yeah. I really have a lot of respect for him. Probably one of my favorite teachers. Like Heidi.
SNA...oh boy. I feel like...Pastor John's teaching isn't really...practical? Relating to modern society? And I think, especially with this current topic, needs to pay more attention to the comfort level of everyone and be really careful with how he applies it. With this kind of thing...Mmm, I guess I'm thinking back to the Roycey incident in the summer. His approach to it was...quite inconsiderate of feelings. =/ Blah. Hopefully some things don't repeat itself.
Anyways...today. x.x So all three of my rooms were a no-go. Wow. First that's ever happened. Dx Chose a room near ours that was usually quite obsolete...turns out it was the ONE ROOM we'd be super unlucky in. >.> [Will get to, later.] Was really nervous...partially cuz of, yeah. >.> Putting things into practice is a lot harder T.T Feel so bad I hurt him...argh. x.x Really need to be more careful next time. Tbh...couldn't really relax either D: Kept having that other sense paying attention to the door.
He did a good job though xD The positions...interesting. :P For some reason...why did it seem like 4th base stuff? >.> Hmm...I'll admit, scared me for a minute ;o Thought he went in...but I know he didn't ^^; Trust. ;o Was fun though, naturally riding. :3 Felt him holding back a bit today though, (which he soon told me later). He hasn't hurt me. I anticipated it would, a little, but turns out it didn't. Good to know ^^; But hmm...bitter? o-o Not really sure what affects MY taste...o_o. But mmm...definitely was really...turned on. >.> GAHH MIND IN GUTTER. D;
And then.
The door opened.
FFS.
The most embaressing moment of my life. Didn't even have pants on. >.> ARGH. CAUGHT.
Feel bad for the teacher though ^^; What would he have thought...D: (I'm always worried about what people THINK, argh. x.x) But in a way, we're SO lucky it wasn't someone from church. Someone we knew. Freaking out...still feel so bad. x.x Not exactly how I wanted to spend the last hangout. >.> Blah. Guess its a sign. Dx
Anyways. Thats the day for you.
Oh and, note to self: Learn better next time. D: Still aiming to become better at it...x.x I WANNA SATISFY HIM. T.T
-----
So, lesson learned. Probably the most...memorable one. D: Guess I'm through with doing things my own way. In a way, I'm kinda really doubtful on my own judgement now. >.> Its time to really follow through with my promise, and stop worming my way around. God really has interesting ways of teaching us lessons. I...argh. This really is one of those things that you can't get out of your mind. >< Ever.
But I guess...learned a lot of things about our relationship this past week. Some good, some bad. Some easier that others.
But I guess what it all really comes down to is: faith.
I found it...really ironic, the stone he gave me. I find he somehow always has perfect timing for these things. ;o
Faith...faith in him. Faith in myself. But most importantly, faith in GOD to be the guide in our relationship. God, not ourselves.
Feels like this whole week has been a faith test, or just to...teach me faith. After me doubting everyone for so long.
Faith in him, that he'll be there till the end and not give up. Not give up on me, on himself, on our future. Faith that he'll be faithful.
Faith in myself, that I CAN be the one for him, I CAN move on from all those painful things and trust in my future. Faith that I can change, that I won't be the person who keeps away those around her, but instead the person to let people in. To start trusting again. To stop being sensitive, and love and care for him more. To not hurt him again for my own silliness.
And lastly, faith in God that he will provide. That he'll carry us through whatever is to come. To lead us from temptation and all that the devil will put in our way to tear us apart.
Faith...
-sigh-
He always has something that really touches my heart. Keeps me in thought...heartwarming, I guess. Something always memorable.
Thanks Nubcake.
Thank you.
Church. Scared me at first, didn't see Nubcake when I got there. Dad was outside too x.x Was worried he wouldn't show up, but then he did (: Wanted to give him a big hug and just have a chance to talk to him D: Missed him so much. Still do, I hate abrupt goodbyes. =/ Nate kept throwing me dirty looks for some reason, pissed me off pretty badly. Made a really long prayer...God, please just take these wounds that I've tried to cover up the past year and tear them open. Let them hurt and run and run until all the pain runs out and help me heal. I know I can.
Singspiration...lmao. Auntie Wendy...felt like she had this watchful eye on us, the kinda sketchy feeling where I think she's thinking something >.> REALLY felt like it, hmmm...Argh. Whatever. Tried to be on my best behavior. x.x
Sunday school was good?...I really like Uncle Frank's teaching, tbh. He really gets down to reality. Kinda like Heidi used to. But his is more...REALLY dealing with real life issues. Just hope the class can start to connect with each other more, and open up to each other. In a way...I feel like this is what Jr/Praylude's purpose was, and how SNA should be. [SNA...will get to that later >.>] But yeah. I really have a lot of respect for him. Probably one of my favorite teachers. Like Heidi.
SNA...oh boy. I feel like...Pastor John's teaching isn't really...practical? Relating to modern society? And I think, especially with this current topic, needs to pay more attention to the comfort level of everyone and be really careful with how he applies it. With this kind of thing...Mmm, I guess I'm thinking back to the Roycey incident in the summer. His approach to it was...quite inconsiderate of feelings. =/ Blah. Hopefully some things don't repeat itself.
Anyways...today. x.x So all three of my rooms were a no-go. Wow. First that's ever happened. Dx Chose a room near ours that was usually quite obsolete...turns out it was the ONE ROOM we'd be super unlucky in. >.> [Will get to, later.] Was really nervous...partially cuz of, yeah. >.> Putting things into practice is a lot harder T.T Feel so bad I hurt him...argh. x.x Really need to be more careful next time. Tbh...couldn't really relax either D: Kept having that other sense paying attention to the door.
He did a good job though xD The positions...interesting. :P For some reason...why did it seem like 4th base stuff? >.> Hmm...I'll admit, scared me for a minute ;o Thought he went in...but I know he didn't ^^; Trust. ;o Was fun though, naturally riding. :3 Felt him holding back a bit today though, (which he soon told me later). He hasn't hurt me. I anticipated it would, a little, but turns out it didn't. Good to know ^^; But hmm...bitter? o-o Not really sure what affects MY taste...o_o. But mmm...definitely was really...turned on. >.> GAHH MIND IN GUTTER. D;
And then.
The door opened.
FFS.
The most embaressing moment of my life. Didn't even have pants on. >.> ARGH. CAUGHT.
Feel bad for the teacher though ^^; What would he have thought...D: (I'm always worried about what people THINK, argh. x.x) But in a way, we're SO lucky it wasn't someone from church. Someone we knew. Freaking out...still feel so bad. x.x Not exactly how I wanted to spend the last hangout. >.> Blah. Guess its a sign. Dx
Anyways. Thats the day for you.
Oh and, note to self: Learn better next time. D: Still aiming to become better at it...x.x I WANNA SATISFY HIM. T.T
-----
So, lesson learned. Probably the most...memorable one. D: Guess I'm through with doing things my own way. In a way, I'm kinda really doubtful on my own judgement now. >.> Its time to really follow through with my promise, and stop worming my way around. God really has interesting ways of teaching us lessons. I...argh. This really is one of those things that you can't get out of your mind. >< Ever.
But I guess...learned a lot of things about our relationship this past week. Some good, some bad. Some easier that others.
But I guess what it all really comes down to is: faith.
I found it...really ironic, the stone he gave me. I find he somehow always has perfect timing for these things. ;o
Faith...faith in him. Faith in myself. But most importantly, faith in GOD to be the guide in our relationship. God, not ourselves.
Feels like this whole week has been a faith test, or just to...teach me faith. After me doubting everyone for so long.
Faith in him, that he'll be there till the end and not give up. Not give up on me, on himself, on our future. Faith that he'll be faithful.
Faith in myself, that I CAN be the one for him, I CAN move on from all those painful things and trust in my future. Faith that I can change, that I won't be the person who keeps away those around her, but instead the person to let people in. To start trusting again. To stop being sensitive, and love and care for him more. To not hurt him again for my own silliness.
And lastly, faith in God that he will provide. That he'll carry us through whatever is to come. To lead us from temptation and all that the devil will put in our way to tear us apart.
Faith...
-sigh-
He always has something that really touches my heart. Keeps me in thought...heartwarming, I guess. Something always memorable.
Thanks Nubcake.
Thank you.
| My First Big Mistake of 2010. >> Friday, January 1, 2010 |
Gonna put this here for our sake. So I can remind myself of my idiocy and learn to NEVER do it again.
Last night...was great. Until it ended.
With a text.
From a guy.
A jerk of a guy.
Bastard. -.-
Now that I think about it...even without direct intention, he managed to do something to screw us over.
Had he never sent that text, none of this would have happened.
But it did. Dragged me back into that trapped feeling from the past. Where I'm stuck between two things, caught by him and can't get out either way. Hurts whichever way I choose to go.
So first thing Nubcake does...talks about turning to Doris. And then started...I dunno. Just...kinda like praising. Which...brought back a lot of bad memories...and made me feel...ditched? Betrayed? I had relied on him to stay with me and be here with me to go through...but it felt like he just wanted to pull her in for comfort and support. To me. In a way...kinda feels like I'm the sad little girl stuck in a situation while he's the manipulator with power, and the Nubcake and Doris are the two watching me in pain, the ones who can help. But still...I'm singled out.
The feeling of being alone.
This feeling lasted the night...while he continued on...this time hinting again at the past. Telling me to learn compassion...
Compassion....says the one who's holding the power to take away the future for me. To break apart the relationship between Nubcake and I.
Ironic, that he's telling me compassion.
That night...
Felt so...so much like I was back in the past again. Reliving it. Nubcake felt so far away, far out of reach. I was that 'one', alone and falling for whatever he pulls on me.
That was my night.
Today...woke up and rushed to my comp. Check his blog, didn't see anything. My first reaction? It didn't matter that much to him. He always blogged when there was something that affected him...but I didn't see anything. In a way...kinda more disappointed. Maybe I was alone after all.
He wasn't online, either. I had expected that, I guess. Neither did he leave me an email, or a reply to my blog. Left my msn on. Continued to check his blog like insane throughout the day. Didn't see anything. Disappointment.
Went downstairs...worked on my vocal audition, worked on Laputa. Laputa...reminded myself that it was all dedicated to him. It was all because of him, all for him. Made me miss him so much...went back upstairs. He messaged me, but I couldn't tell what exactly was on my mind. I felt horrible, but didn't know if I was ready. If I wasn't ready...I didn't want to face him and let him have to deal with my...uncontentness. Unsteadiness. But I remembered what Nate used to do to me. I remember all the waiting...the bitterness. Feeling useless, hopeless, not knowing what to do. I told myself: I would never hurt my Nubcake the way he did to me. So I called him.
I wanted you to know I was here...still here.
When he picked up...
Never felt so bad. I guess in a way, those corny things in movies about "his pain is my pain", actually is legit. I felt it. When I was hurt, he hurt too, and I, in return, felt his pain too. Hearing him...just wanted to reach out and hold him and let him know I was there, that I was okay, things were okay. I tried to sound cheery. I didn't want him hurt because of my silliness.
But he was.
And I'll never forgive myself for that.
I explained it to him the best I could. Even now, after him convincing me, my thought still stands. But I know his intention. I know I let my feelings slip. The first time it's happened...in that sense. He was relieved to find out I wasn't upset at him. But my feelings still lasted. I still felt trapped, still felt as though he was far away. I occupied myself best I could, I wanted to refresh my mind so I could talk to him normally again. It still hurt like mad.
It took a while. But I guess what really brought me back was...his msn name. "My silly Nubcake (:"
I didn't know why he put it there. But it brought me a sense of reassurance, kind of like...open arms welcoming me home. I'll admit, it kinda jerked a few tears >.> Like a child thats been lost...finally finding their way back into loving arms. Its a good feeling. I love you, Nubcake.
That night...realized he DID write in his blog after all, and that it was hidden by a stupid link D: I read it...broke my heart. x.x Seeing him in so much pain...was MY pain, as well. I realize too...the things he wrote, was exactly what I had said all those times before. Just the same. I felt what he felt...and I felt horrible. Was disgusted at myself. Promised myself to never put him through that again...
Nubcake...I'm so sorry. I promise you. I'll never let my silly thinking hurt you like this again.
Auntie Juana said I was too sensitive. =/ I guess...in a way I am. In the case of...fear of the past, I'm REALLY sensitive, I'll admit. But other than that...its mostly worrying about others. But as for the past...I know I have a lot of fears that has risen. Fear of trusting...fear of him leaving. Fear of my bad habits. Fear of screwing up and making him leave me. But trust me, I'm moving on. I'm changing. Like I've said, I just need you there when I'm slowly moving on, getting used to the new relationship. It takes two...as we've always said. Have faith in me. I'm changing, for you.
Talked to him a lot, about our relationship. One thing he said, really stood out to me. All this has made us stronger. I feel like now...we're less of individuals. Its not just me anymore. Nor is it just him. Its US, a stronger US. We won't be broken apart by these silly things again. Sure, there will always be things that will worry and shake us (e.g. parents, getting caught), but we're not scared anymore. It won't break us apart.
Gave him the test question. If we were to seperate and not see each other for years, would he give up, or would he really wait for me? I know he was hesitant before. Which was what made me iffy of our future. But he answered this time. He was sure. As long as I was there in the end, he would be, too. And I want it. I want it more than anything else in my future, and I KNOW I'll be there. And I guess, if I'll be there, he'll be there too.
It was...reassuring. Understatement, I know. But it was all I really needed to remove all silly thoughts from my mind. I know he wants the future now. I know the one he wants is ME. Yes I still have a lot to build up to, but he wants me. He won't leave me. He loves me.
I don't have to be scared of voicing our future anymore. I don't have to question whether or not he'll really be there. Because he will be. Our future WILL be there, waiting for us.
Its just a matter of time now. Just a matter of patience.
I can live with that. (:
Overall...all this, feels like our relationship really grew (Level up! :D). We're slowly becoming more of a one now...no longer just ourselves, but an 'us'. And tbh...we've still had it pretty easy for us so far. (There usually is worse, more pain when it does come) I think we've dealt with all our situations quite maturely...putting each other into perspective and consideration. Best wishes for our relationship in the new year ♥
Last night...was great. Until it ended.
With a text.
From a guy.
A jerk of a guy.
Bastard. -.-
Now that I think about it...even without direct intention, he managed to do something to screw us over.
Had he never sent that text, none of this would have happened.
But it did. Dragged me back into that trapped feeling from the past. Where I'm stuck between two things, caught by him and can't get out either way. Hurts whichever way I choose to go.
So first thing Nubcake does...talks about turning to Doris. And then started...I dunno. Just...kinda like praising. Which...brought back a lot of bad memories...and made me feel...ditched? Betrayed? I had relied on him to stay with me and be here with me to go through...but it felt like he just wanted to pull her in for comfort and support. To me. In a way...kinda feels like I'm the sad little girl stuck in a situation while he's the manipulator with power, and the Nubcake and Doris are the two watching me in pain, the ones who can help. But still...I'm singled out.
The feeling of being alone.
This feeling lasted the night...while he continued on...this time hinting again at the past. Telling me to learn compassion...
Compassion....says the one who's holding the power to take away the future for me. To break apart the relationship between Nubcake and I.
Ironic, that he's telling me compassion.
That night...
Felt so...so much like I was back in the past again. Reliving it. Nubcake felt so far away, far out of reach. I was that 'one', alone and falling for whatever he pulls on me.
That was my night.
Today...woke up and rushed to my comp. Check his blog, didn't see anything. My first reaction? It didn't matter that much to him. He always blogged when there was something that affected him...but I didn't see anything. In a way...kinda more disappointed. Maybe I was alone after all.
He wasn't online, either. I had expected that, I guess. Neither did he leave me an email, or a reply to my blog. Left my msn on. Continued to check his blog like insane throughout the day. Didn't see anything. Disappointment.
Went downstairs...worked on my vocal audition, worked on Laputa. Laputa...reminded myself that it was all dedicated to him. It was all because of him, all for him. Made me miss him so much...went back upstairs. He messaged me, but I couldn't tell what exactly was on my mind. I felt horrible, but didn't know if I was ready. If I wasn't ready...I didn't want to face him and let him have to deal with my...uncontentness. Unsteadiness. But I remembered what Nate used to do to me. I remember all the waiting...the bitterness. Feeling useless, hopeless, not knowing what to do. I told myself: I would never hurt my Nubcake the way he did to me. So I called him.
I wanted you to know I was here...still here.
When he picked up...
Never felt so bad. I guess in a way, those corny things in movies about "his pain is my pain", actually is legit. I felt it. When I was hurt, he hurt too, and I, in return, felt his pain too. Hearing him...just wanted to reach out and hold him and let him know I was there, that I was okay, things were okay. I tried to sound cheery. I didn't want him hurt because of my silliness.
But he was.
And I'll never forgive myself for that.
I explained it to him the best I could. Even now, after him convincing me, my thought still stands. But I know his intention. I know I let my feelings slip. The first time it's happened...in that sense. He was relieved to find out I wasn't upset at him. But my feelings still lasted. I still felt trapped, still felt as though he was far away. I occupied myself best I could, I wanted to refresh my mind so I could talk to him normally again. It still hurt like mad.
It took a while. But I guess what really brought me back was...his msn name. "My silly Nubcake (:"
I didn't know why he put it there. But it brought me a sense of reassurance, kind of like...open arms welcoming me home. I'll admit, it kinda jerked a few tears >.> Like a child thats been lost...finally finding their way back into loving arms. Its a good feeling. I love you, Nubcake.
That night...realized he DID write in his blog after all, and that it was hidden by a stupid link D: I read it...broke my heart. x.x Seeing him in so much pain...was MY pain, as well. I realize too...the things he wrote, was exactly what I had said all those times before. Just the same. I felt what he felt...and I felt horrible. Was disgusted at myself. Promised myself to never put him through that again...
Nubcake...I'm so sorry. I promise you. I'll never let my silly thinking hurt you like this again.
Auntie Juana said I was too sensitive. =/ I guess...in a way I am. In the case of...fear of the past, I'm REALLY sensitive, I'll admit. But other than that...its mostly worrying about others. But as for the past...I know I have a lot of fears that has risen. Fear of trusting...fear of him leaving. Fear of my bad habits. Fear of screwing up and making him leave me. But trust me, I'm moving on. I'm changing. Like I've said, I just need you there when I'm slowly moving on, getting used to the new relationship. It takes two...as we've always said. Have faith in me. I'm changing, for you.
Talked to him a lot, about our relationship. One thing he said, really stood out to me. All this has made us stronger. I feel like now...we're less of individuals. Its not just me anymore. Nor is it just him. Its US, a stronger US. We won't be broken apart by these silly things again. Sure, there will always be things that will worry and shake us (e.g. parents, getting caught), but we're not scared anymore. It won't break us apart.
Gave him the test question. If we were to seperate and not see each other for years, would he give up, or would he really wait for me? I know he was hesitant before. Which was what made me iffy of our future. But he answered this time. He was sure. As long as I was there in the end, he would be, too. And I want it. I want it more than anything else in my future, and I KNOW I'll be there. And I guess, if I'll be there, he'll be there too.
It was...reassuring. Understatement, I know. But it was all I really needed to remove all silly thoughts from my mind. I know he wants the future now. I know the one he wants is ME. Yes I still have a lot to build up to, but he wants me. He won't leave me. He loves me.
I don't have to be scared of voicing our future anymore. I don't have to question whether or not he'll really be there. Because he will be. Our future WILL be there, waiting for us.
Its just a matter of time now. Just a matter of patience.
I can live with that. (:
Overall...all this, feels like our relationship really grew (Level up! :D). We're slowly becoming more of a one now...no longer just ourselves, but an 'us'. And tbh...we've still had it pretty easy for us so far. (There usually is worse, more pain when it does come) I think we've dealt with all our situations quite maturely...putting each other into perspective and consideration. Best wishes for our relationship in the new year ♥
| FFS. -.- >> |
So apparently they think I'm too sensitive. -.-
The thing from last night...yeah, okay. Bad habits. That I understand.
Other stuff...is it really so wrong to worry about getting in other people's way? To care about what they want?
-____-''
Ffs...
Ugh. Lets make a new years resolution.
And not cause trouble for him. >.>
Most intriguing thought today...
...I would never want to hurt him the way Nate treated me.
I guess it was why I changed.
I'm changing, guys.
Just for him.
Have some faith.
Please.
The thing from last night...yeah, okay. Bad habits. That I understand.
Other stuff...is it really so wrong to worry about getting in other people's way? To care about what they want?
-____-''
Ffs...
Ugh. Lets make a new years resolution.
And not cause trouble for him. >.>
Most intriguing thought today...
...I would never want to hurt him the way Nate treated me.
I guess it was why I changed.
I'm changing, guys.
Just for him.
Have some faith.
Please.
| When the past comes back... >> |
| A new year....to drag me back to the past. >> |
