Happy unofficially official 4 month Nubcake ~! ♥
Feels like four months passed by so quickly since the summer...so many interesting things that happened during that time :3 Gonna take some time o reflect on it a little, before I get started on hwk.
So many things that constantly take me by surprise. Such as...how its still hard to believe that this is all happening. That he actually loves me. ;o I still remember how I could only imagine it back then, how I pictured that being with him would be a perfectly ideal relationship for me...because of who he was, the only person I knew I was 100% certain I could trust. How aware I was at his...loyalty and commitment, the kind-hearted way he was there for everything...seeing him hurt like that back then, I wished (thus the 1000 stars) I could be the one to bring him out of it, make him happy...show that there's someone right there who really cares about him. Really cares...
And now its reality. He really does love me back, and yes, it is everything the way I want it to be (minus the parental factor >.>). I see myself finally secure and honestly happy with him, and I see him as a much happier person as well. Back then I could only imagine what it was like, never would I have imagined it would actually come true.
Other thing that surprises me most is...how easy the relationship really is. Sure, there are complications here and there, such as making the right decisions in the beginning, and certain getting into trouble, and time. But when it really comes down to it, after we'd set our goals straight in the beginning, things are really just....you can't get much better off than this. Most relationships, even by this point there are already legit fights/arguments, the guy/girl flaundering off, getting restless of each other, bored and lack of interest. But its not like that for us. Or for me, at least. We haven't gotten into a legit fight/argument yet, and even when we did have our minor conflicts, we worked them out together the right way. We know how to communicate...which most relationships either don't know how to, or just don't. And as for me, I don't ever seem to get tired of it all. I come home everyday knowing he's there...and it eases me and I'm glad. (: On the days I'm not in contact with him, I still wonder how he's doing and wish I could at least say hi. And just seeing him everytime makes me just as happy as I was every single time, just as much as the day, week, or months before. The way I see him has never really changed much since we first grew close friends way back, only I value our relationship together more and more, and I'm seeking now, seeking to grow and understand him more. For once, it feels right. I'm finally on the right track.
I'm not scared of who I am anymore, I don't hide things anymore. I don't shun him off from my life, I don't whisk away all his questions by answering "nothing." (well, not seriously, at least. For jokes, yes. :P) And neither does he. All our intentions is for the best interest of the other person...in a way it amazes me. I was so prejudiced towards other guys, thinking stuff like this was impossible. But he proved me wrong. He showed me it was possible to care unconditionally. No matter who I am or what I do. He's willing to accept my silliness and retardedness. I don't have to worry about scaring him off (mostly), or that he'll find out something about me that'll make him walk away from me. He already knows me throughout, and he's accepted all that, willingly. Which motivates me even more to become a better person for him...
He worried before about not being my type, not being...good enough? But one never looks at themselves clearly enough...he'll never notice some things about himself the way I do, a person from the "outside". I know I'm lucky to have a guy like him, others know I'm lucky to have a guy like him. My silly Nubcake...needs to know how much he really means to me. How much I value everything he does. Even the small little things he might not even notice himself.
So glad everything worked out the way it did...even though we still have waiting to do, I'm willing to wait. I'm willing to go through what it takes. I'm willing to go through everything that happens in the next few years, even after that and on and on. Can't wait to stay with you. (:
I love you. Happy four.
♥
| Happy 4th ~! <3 >> Sunday, November 29, 2009 |
| Words of undoubtful wisdom. >> Friday, November 27, 2009 |
Law of inertia: A student in procrastination tends to stay in procrastination unless an external force is applied to it.
As well...
For every action done towards an assignment completion, there exists an equal and opposite distraction.
Ahh...university teaches you so many important things.
As well...
For every action done towards an assignment completion, there exists an equal and opposite distraction.
Ahh...university teaches you so many important things.
| Rollahcoastah.... >> |
Up and down. Uuuppp and down.
Is life.
Got in trouble last night. Amazing how she got there so fast. And how she recognized him. Wonder what she was thinking. Wonder what she saw. x-x Argh...the one thing that frustrates me the most.
Partially why I fear moving. Because they'll be so close to us that we risk getting caught everytime we hang out. D: So worried...
Week is going by really fast. Didnt get nearly as much time as I wanted with everyone from NB. Can't believe tomorrow's their last day already. And then I never get to see them ever again :( So ghey and sad...D: Especially when I'm so relaxed when they're here. So happy ~ T.T Almost like how I feel with Nubcake there. Its a decent alternate, though never the same. But still nice.
And school is stressful, but I'm having a decent time. Dreading certain classes, but I've managed to pull through. Just trying to be more social and open up...although its hard, with all the work I have to be focusing on, on my shoulders x.x But I'm getting there. Hopefully.
And no, I have not yet dared to go fetch my report card. Its sitting there waiting for me in the office. Just like all those other ones that once were that I never retrieved. Dx
Tomorrow's concert. Can't believe so soon...apparently Julie spazzed at Ana for an epic fail at their retreat today. Makes me feel bad...I should've been there to help lead. :S So difficult being double booked...stupid double solos. x.x Skipped concept. Feel like a rebel, but it was worth it. Wanting to skip tomorrow too, but I dunno if I should...D:
Saw Jasy while I was walking today. Talked for a bit, she brought up the Nate and Sophie thing again x.x So did Anthony, today. Argh...I hate hearing it. "Nathan's girlfriend, blablabla". They say it as if its a good thing, which bothers me to no end, feeling as if its a GOOD thing all the pain its put me through. Or maybe I'm just being stupid again and still bothered about it, not being supportive. Gah...wish I could stop feeling so guilty about this.
She asked if Nubcake and I were going out. Honestly, what do I say to that? xD But hmm, did she forget everything in that past already? :S She said he didn't seem my type, the type of guy I would go for. So I'm really wondering what everyone seems to think my type is. What do people think I prefer? Sheesh.
I am not a gold digger. Or a "hot guy seeker". Or a player (yeah, as much as it may seem >.>). Or those people who like to play with guys, or use them for popularity. Like I told Chels...I just want someone FOR me. I'm not looking for the best looking guy I can find, or the guy that'll spoil me the most or get me the most fame. I'm just looking for someone I know, someone I know won't let me down the way I was. Doesn't have to be the best guy, just the best guy for me. Is it honestly so hard to believe that a person like me could want just that? =/
Important thing is I know I found one. After a longish time of anticipation. ^^; Maybe I'll never have a specific "type". And thats quite a good thing, in many ways. I'm relieved. Or maybe my type is just the "Nubcake". And there really is only one (kekeke), so I'm guess I'm stuck with just one option. ;o
Oh well. I'm fine with that.
♥ (:
Is life.
Got in trouble last night. Amazing how she got there so fast. And how she recognized him. Wonder what she was thinking. Wonder what she saw. x-x Argh...the one thing that frustrates me the most.
Partially why I fear moving. Because they'll be so close to us that we risk getting caught everytime we hang out. D: So worried...
Week is going by really fast. Didnt get nearly as much time as I wanted with everyone from NB. Can't believe tomorrow's their last day already. And then I never get to see them ever again :( So ghey and sad...D: Especially when I'm so relaxed when they're here. So happy ~ T.T Almost like how I feel with Nubcake there. Its a decent alternate, though never the same. But still nice.
And school is stressful, but I'm having a decent time. Dreading certain classes, but I've managed to pull through. Just trying to be more social and open up...although its hard, with all the work I have to be focusing on, on my shoulders x.x But I'm getting there. Hopefully.
And no, I have not yet dared to go fetch my report card. Its sitting there waiting for me in the office. Just like all those other ones that once were that I never retrieved. Dx
Tomorrow's concert. Can't believe so soon...apparently Julie spazzed at Ana for an epic fail at their retreat today. Makes me feel bad...I should've been there to help lead. :S So difficult being double booked...stupid double solos. x.x Skipped concept. Feel like a rebel, but it was worth it. Wanting to skip tomorrow too, but I dunno if I should...D:
Saw Jasy while I was walking today. Talked for a bit, she brought up the Nate and Sophie thing again x.x So did Anthony, today. Argh...I hate hearing it. "Nathan's girlfriend, blablabla". They say it as if its a good thing, which bothers me to no end, feeling as if its a GOOD thing all the pain its put me through. Or maybe I'm just being stupid again and still bothered about it, not being supportive. Gah...wish I could stop feeling so guilty about this.
She asked if Nubcake and I were going out. Honestly, what do I say to that? xD But hmm, did she forget everything in that past already? :S She said he didn't seem my type, the type of guy I would go for. So I'm really wondering what everyone seems to think my type is. What do people think I prefer? Sheesh.
I am not a gold digger. Or a "hot guy seeker". Or a player (yeah, as much as it may seem >.>). Or those people who like to play with guys, or use them for popularity. Like I told Chels...I just want someone FOR me. I'm not looking for the best looking guy I can find, or the guy that'll spoil me the most or get me the most fame. I'm just looking for someone I know, someone I know won't let me down the way I was. Doesn't have to be the best guy, just the best guy for me. Is it honestly so hard to believe that a person like me could want just that? =/
Important thing is I know I found one. After a longish time of anticipation. ^^; Maybe I'll never have a specific "type". And thats quite a good thing, in many ways. I'm relieved. Or maybe my type is just the "Nubcake". And there really is only one (kekeke), so I'm guess I'm stuck with just one option. ;o
Oh well. I'm fine with that.
♥ (:
| F. Life. >> Thursday, November 26, 2009 |
First she hits me. First ever since that whole abuse crap.
Leaves me lost and freezing cold with no where to go in downtown kitchener.
And now I missed out on Niagra.
And missed OCC by a second.
Am f-ed for concept tonight.
And have a shitload of crap to finish for school due next week.
Wanna just down a whole shitload of alcohol and knock myself out completely so I can just close my eyes and not have to open them.
And just get out of the damn f-ing mess.
Eff. It. All.
Leaves me lost and freezing cold with no where to go in downtown kitchener.
And now I missed out on Niagra.
And missed OCC by a second.
Am f-ed for concept tonight.
And have a shitload of crap to finish for school due next week.
Wanna just down a whole shitload of alcohol and knock myself out completely so I can just close my eyes and not have to open them.
And just get out of the damn f-ing mess.
Eff. It. All.
| Rebound stress. >> Tuesday, November 24, 2009 |
Horrah New Brunswick's finally here (: Too bad its so busy though x.x Wish I could spend time with them more. Stupid school.Show rehearsals are so busy nowadays too. Starts on thursday...can't even make it to tomorrow's dress rehearsal. Argh...Hafta do my solo for the concert on saturday instead. Fml.And then math is super duper hard too. Same with science.Why am I struggling so much?!Never used to have this much trouble with school x_x So scared to fall more and more behind...
Had my TV interview today (: So cool being on TV ;o Everyone there was so hilarious, wish I could have a job as fun as that @_@ Running TV shows everyday would be so epic.
So Chelsea fell in love with Weisong xD "Hes SOO SEXY" LMAO. And sheesh, why do all the girls look down upon asian guys? T.T Poor Chels gets criticized just for thinking one of them is good looking =.='' Goes to show there ARE good looking asians out there >.>But haha, it's quite funny :P So the girl in the crowd of asian haters falls in love with the asian...
In a way that's maybe what I'm scared of so much. I hate being automatically labelled. Being judged by stereotypes. Stupid WCI. =/
So busy around the house with moving. So busy at school with work. So busy after school with rehearsals. And orchestra. And everything. Feels like my head is gonna explode. Come exam time, with the 6+ exams per term, I'm gonna DIE.
Fml please. Sideways.
Wonder how he's doing these days. Havent had much time online either. Time...sigh. Ironic the topic on sunday. I wish some things could really just be eternal, now. x.x Maybe I need to start praying for more time. Or less stress. Or just...anything so I'm not struggling so much and always feeling on the ball. D:
Just want summer again. Miss it so much. Miss him so much.
x_x
Had my TV interview today (: So cool being on TV ;o Everyone there was so hilarious, wish I could have a job as fun as that @_@ Running TV shows everyday would be so epic.
So Chelsea fell in love with Weisong xD "Hes SOO SEXY" LMAO. And sheesh, why do all the girls look down upon asian guys? T.T Poor Chels gets criticized just for thinking one of them is good looking =.='' Goes to show there ARE good looking asians out there >.>But haha, it's quite funny :P So the girl in the crowd of asian haters falls in love with the asian...
In a way that's maybe what I'm scared of so much. I hate being automatically labelled. Being judged by stereotypes. Stupid WCI. =/
So busy around the house with moving. So busy at school with work. So busy after school with rehearsals. And orchestra. And everything. Feels like my head is gonna explode. Come exam time, with the 6+ exams per term, I'm gonna DIE.
Fml please. Sideways.
Wonder how he's doing these days. Havent had much time online either. Time...sigh. Ironic the topic on sunday. I wish some things could really just be eternal, now. x.x Maybe I need to start praying for more time. Or less stress. Or just...anything so I'm not struggling so much and always feeling on the ball. D:
Just want summer again. Miss it so much. Miss him so much.
x_x
| New Layout ^^ >> Monday, November 23, 2009 |
Okay, I really shouldnt be on and its getting late but I thought I should let you know anyways (And I'll update when I have time, I promise (: ! )
Uhmmm. NEW LAYOUT :3 Had to change it so it allows commenting/replies. The tagboard/chatbox on the side is still there, its on the page after you click "Profile" on the side. And uhm...everything else is pretty self explanatory? Navagation to the right ->
-dying of homework-
GAYOW~
Ill fill you in on tickets as soon as I get them ^^
Uhmmm. NEW LAYOUT :3 Had to change it so it allows commenting/replies. The tagboard/chatbox on the side is still there, its on the page after you click "Profile" on the side. And uhm...everything else is pretty self explanatory? Navagation to the right ->
-dying of homework-
GAYOW~
Ill fill you in on tickets as soon as I get them ^^
| So this is you. >> Friday, November 20, 2009 |
Is this all you have to say?
Everything word you've ever said. Every promise you've ever made.
This is all you have left to say.
Oh.
Everything word you've ever said. Every promise you've ever made.
This is all you have left to say.
Oh.
| I was there. And there again. >> |
Once upon a time
I believe it was a Tuesday
When I caught your eye
We caught onto something
I hold onto the night
You looked me in the eye
And told me you loved me
Were you just kidding?
Cause it seems to me
This thing is breaking down
We almost never speak
I don't feel welcome anymore
Baby what happened
Please tell me cause one second it was perfect
Now you're halfway out the door
And I stare, at the phone
He still, hasn't called
And then you feel so low you can't feel, nothing at all
And you flashback to when he said
Forever and always
Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
Cause I was there when you said
Forever and always
Was I out of line? Did I say something way to honest?
Made you run and hide like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute
Now I'm not so sure
So heres to everything
Coming down to nothing
Heres to silence
That cuts me to the core
Where is this going?
Thought I knew for a minute but I don't anymore
And I stare, at the phone
He still, hasn't called
And then you feel so low you can't feel, nothing at all
And you flashback to when he said
Forever and always
Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
Cause I was there when you said
Forever and always
Didn't mean it baby?
I don't think so
Back up, baby back up
Did you forget everything?
Back up, baby back up
Did you forget everything?
Cause it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
Cause I was there when you said
Forever and always
Oh, I stare, at the phone
He still, hasn't called
And then you feel so low you can't feel, nothing at all
And you flashback to when we said
Forever and always
And it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
Cause I was there when you said
Forever and always
You didn't mean it baby
You said forever and always
Yeah
| What the hell is wrong with me? >> Thursday, November 19, 2009 |
It'd be nice to know why I'm such a retard nowadays.
Why did my stupid sensitive self have to come up AGAIN?
Frig. Don't even know what it WAS this time. Just me being friggin ghey as heck.
There wasn't even any secret. Just something I didn't want repeated. Wasn't even trying to HIDE anything.
Heck I dont even REMEMBER what I said that time.
Just Shawn and Herie being their usual messed up selves. And Aaron overheard?
Ughh fml I dont remember I dont remember I don't remember I dont remember I don't remember I don't remember~~~
Just struck me when Nubcake started saying "tsk tsk I don't even know what to say to that...>.>" . Makes me feel so damn guilty and disappointed in my self GAH.
The heck...T^T
It would help if I could at least REMEMBER what it was ~~ T.T
^ Yeah. I sound like I was drunk. Friigg.
(No, I wasn't.)
I dunno. Dunno whats wrong with me right now =.='' Just feel so...BLAH. Feel like such an idiot...totally screwed up even though he said he was just teasing. Although it sounded partially like he was teasing me and partially he actually was disappointed which makes me feel like a jerk for disappointing him. D:
And now my old stupid self wants to go close myself in my room under the sheets in the dark and live there for the next while. x.x Skipped the whole day today. Didn't wanna get out of bed. Just feel.like.crap.
Aside from that...just feel so unmotivated these days. Completely unmotivated. Had a nightmare last night...different ways of me failing at life. x.x More self disappointment...and then getting chased out by my family saying they didn't want me anymore and threatening to kill me...running off not knowing who to go to.
So dead and alone. So alone. =/
Why did my stupid sensitive self have to come up AGAIN?
Frig. Don't even know what it WAS this time. Just me being friggin ghey as heck.
There wasn't even any secret. Just something I didn't want repeated. Wasn't even trying to HIDE anything.
Heck I dont even REMEMBER what I said that time.
Just Shawn and Herie being their usual messed up selves. And Aaron overheard?
Ughh fml I dont remember I dont remember I don't remember I dont remember I don't remember I don't remember~~~
Just struck me when Nubcake started saying "tsk tsk I don't even know what to say to that...>.>" . Makes me feel so damn guilty and disappointed in my self GAH.
The heck...T^T
It would help if I could at least REMEMBER what it was ~~ T.T
^ Yeah. I sound like I was drunk. Friigg.
(No, I wasn't.)
I dunno. Dunno whats wrong with me right now =.='' Just feel so...BLAH. Feel like such an idiot...totally screwed up even though he said he was just teasing. Although it sounded partially like he was teasing me and partially he actually was disappointed which makes me feel like a jerk for disappointing him. D:
And now my old stupid self wants to go close myself in my room under the sheets in the dark and live there for the next while. x.x Skipped the whole day today. Didn't wanna get out of bed. Just feel.like.crap.
Aside from that...just feel so unmotivated these days. Completely unmotivated. Had a nightmare last night...different ways of me failing at life. x.x More self disappointment...and then getting chased out by my family saying they didn't want me anymore and threatening to kill me...running off not knowing who to go to.
So dead and alone. So alone. =/
| Wish you were here. >> Tuesday, November 17, 2009 |
Blogging a bit before I start working again.
An okay past few days. A few disappointments in grades. =/ Just getting through each day, dreading school. Can't wait till xmas holiday. 5 more weeks. (:
Why is school so difficult to get by with? It never was before. Before...sigh. Maybe if I never was an idiot and switched schools, I wouldn't be this bothered right now. Maybe I'd feel slightly more myself. Maybe.
But I'm leaving soon. Moving on even further than I had. Gonna miss it all like crazy...
Last weekend was good ^^ Managed to hang out still, on saturday :P (Happy belated B-day, Roycey!) Went out to Pizza and then got locked out because dumdum mom left the church =.='' Then their parents came and we waited inside the car. Arghh, so nervewracking D: Kinda really scared of uncle Alex, don't think he likes me much x.x Getting Nubcake in trouble too much. :(
Bleehh and then that night Roycey told Nubcake that AARON (of all people ffs -_-) sent me msgs saying he loved me and blablabla. Sheesh >.> Kinda hurt, considering even though he didn't believe it, he still believed for a bit that there WAS something like that on my phone. =/ Sigh...Joke gone bad, in some ways. I'm such an idiot x.x Old bad habits coming back...ended up upsetting him. Stupid, stupid me. D;
...I really realize now how much the past has...scarred me. Impacted. I feel so paranoid about everything...always so worried about screwing up. =/ Reminded me of those times he always blew up on me for taking things too seriously...like that one time with Anthony's cousin, or those other times I tried to talk to him. I'm used to blaming myself. Being blamed. Feeling guilty. So much that either way I feel horrible, whether he admits its my fault or not.
When Nubcake actually cared that night...honestly didn't know whether I should tell him not to worry so much, or that...just...
My silly selfish senses are glad that in a way he...thinks like that. Worries about his actions. Maybe 'worry' is the wrong word...moreso just cares. I like it. Because it feels so new to me, but most importantly it shows he cares about me. Sadly I've never felt that way before. Everything feels so new to me. It hasn't clicked in yet, feels almost too good to be true. He has no idea how much it means to me...really. Made me jerk a few tears when he said it. >.> But yeah. And he worries about me ever leaving him? Not being good enough? Doris was right. I really am lucky to have the most caring guy ^^
I will keep moving on. I've already moved on from most things, I've already let go long ago. I'll never be able to forget, but at least I won't feel like that self of mine anymore. At least I'm not alone now. Finally have something to hold onto...that I can trust without worrying. Something that I know is mine.
Dammit its 8:20 already D: Early rise and shine tomorrow. And then debate. Eughh, so nervous. Wish Nubcake could be there again x.x At least he can calm me down D:
Next week will be amazing. New Brunswick's finally coming over, after waiting for so long ;o Gonna be interesting. Gotta find time/ways to camp out at Amelias often. AND we gotta finish watching V for Vendetta ;o !!! Gotta remind myself to remind Reeves to bring it over when he comes x.x And Thomas (: And definitely gonna try to spend more time with Emily too ^^ can't waaiittt~
As for now, just getting through each day. Tomorrow debate. Thursday visiting Forest. Friday making lasagna with Tess (: Sat is dance + hangout ♥ Nate's leading worship. Which will be odd as heck. Kinda worried. Worried what my reaction will be. What will happen. How it will turn out. I'm curious to see if he'll even send me the email. Considering we blocked each other. Hah.
And then sunday is just sunday. Good thing is I get to see him ^^ Sad thing is he can't stay, and there just never is enough free time. And then it feels as if it goes by quickly...it does go by so quickly. And this week is probably joint service. Hope not, but probably is. =/
Sigh...weeks feel so long and tiring and stressful. Keep having these moments where I just really want Nubcake with me and just hug him really really tight and let go of all my stress D: Wish we could have that free time in the summer again, just go to the park and relax, sleep, etc ...
Hey, at least the daydreams are one of the only thing that I can look forward to in school >.>
Speaking of which...Nubcake, if you're reading this,
WE BOUGHT THE HOUSE !!! :D
Moving as soon as we can sell our house xD Who knows how long that'll take -.-'' But hey, at least we'll finally be able to go JOGGING more often ! :3 It'll be so epic @_@ Can actually see you more easily now ;o Only thing is, if we're around the neighbourhood, we'll have a higher chance of getting caught by my rents D; Not good ~ High risk zone ftl. >.>
SO WISH I get a chance to sneak you in sometime after we move ;o Definitely gotta show you sometime ^^
But yeah. Work work time D: Ga-yow with school, mmkay? I'll pray for you and your mom (: HAVE FAITH ! I love you <3
| Mission Accomplished :3 >> Friday, November 13, 2009 |
Had a spare yesterday at the end of class. Mom wouldn't come pick me up from school even though I was dying of tiredness so I pretty much had nothing to do x.x Made a spur of the moment decision to go to SJAM :D Yeah, I'm random. Just had a sudden urge to really want to see him...;o
The bus took forever. Talked a while with Arushi, so sad about the music teacher :S Died a month before her wedding. Reminds me of Ms. Buckland...meehh.
Went to the library at SJAM, waiting for him to finish class ^^ Lol, Ellis didn't even know that I knew Esther ;o But hmm, so she's allowed to date now, since her parents know?! Lucky T^T I wish I had that kind of luck. =/ Oh well. Waiting is bearable, as long as he's willing, too...
Anyways. Walked down and saw him in class. The look on his face when he saw me was PRICELESS. :3 But hmm...I'd imagine he'd be a bit surprised ^^; Wonder how I'd react if he showed up in front of MY classroom randomly one day xD Hung out for a bit at school, until he had to leave for choir :( Felt like I waited so long to be there with him...it was worth it ^^ But hmm...what does he think my dream is?! D: Arghh so frustrate @_@ I wonder if he HAS dreamed the same thing? :P Kekeke, that'd be quite interesting...hmm.
Sigh...me and my stupid curiosity. Just had to go back and look up that thing from the past at lunch today...=/ Bad idea. Brought back a lot of memories from the past that Ive gotten rid of for so long...Don't know how to deal with it. Anger? Disappointment? Wanting to just be friends again, as if nothing happened? Regret?
Thankfully the feeling doesn't last long. Goes away when I get distracted by something else. I wish I could just let it go. Stop being upset at him whenever I see him. And just...arghh.
Me and my stupidity.
But anyways. Today's friday. Tomorrow I dance, and then I see him afternoon and night. Gotta love saturdays :*
But then its sunday. And sunday means the day before monday. And monday means school.
Arghh, why can't we just have more summers?! T^T
Feel so pressured with time, stressed out x.x Gotta do that french project due monday. My homework. Concert review. Debate (fml x.x). Art. And my "project". Wish I had more time. =/ God help me please. :(
Finally realized that my anemia's acting up again. No wonder I havent been able to eat or stay awake lately :s Great. Perfect timing. Just had to screw me up. x.x
Whats this bad news Nubcake has? D: Worrying me again...=/
The bus took forever. Talked a while with Arushi, so sad about the music teacher :S Died a month before her wedding. Reminds me of Ms. Buckland...meehh.
Went to the library at SJAM, waiting for him to finish class ^^ Lol, Ellis didn't even know that I knew Esther ;o But hmm, so she's allowed to date now, since her parents know?! Lucky T^T I wish I had that kind of luck. =/ Oh well. Waiting is bearable, as long as he's willing, too...
Anyways. Walked down and saw him in class. The look on his face when he saw me was PRICELESS. :3 But hmm...I'd imagine he'd be a bit surprised ^^; Wonder how I'd react if he showed up in front of MY classroom randomly one day xD Hung out for a bit at school, until he had to leave for choir :( Felt like I waited so long to be there with him...it was worth it ^^ But hmm...what does he think my dream is?! D: Arghh so frustrate @_@ I wonder if he HAS dreamed the same thing? :P Kekeke, that'd be quite interesting...hmm.
Sigh...me and my stupid curiosity. Just had to go back and look up that thing from the past at lunch today...=/ Bad idea. Brought back a lot of memories from the past that Ive gotten rid of for so long...Don't know how to deal with it. Anger? Disappointment? Wanting to just be friends again, as if nothing happened? Regret?
Thankfully the feeling doesn't last long. Goes away when I get distracted by something else. I wish I could just let it go. Stop being upset at him whenever I see him. And just...arghh.
Me and my stupidity.
But anyways. Today's friday. Tomorrow I dance, and then I see him afternoon and night. Gotta love saturdays :*
But then its sunday. And sunday means the day before monday. And monday means school.
Arghh, why can't we just have more summers?! T^T
Feel so pressured with time, stressed out x.x Gotta do that french project due monday. My homework. Concert review. Debate (fml x.x). Art. And my "project". Wish I had more time. =/ God help me please. :(
Finally realized that my anemia's acting up again. No wonder I havent been able to eat or stay awake lately :s Great. Perfect timing. Just had to screw me up. x.x
Whats this bad news Nubcake has? D: Worrying me again...=/
| GOGOGO ;o >> Thursday, November 12, 2009 |
Five mins left of lunch left, gonna try to fit in a short post here. ;o
Nowadays...two main focuses of life. School. And Nubcake. x.x Tbh, school was never really on the top of my list up until now. Why? Because I know what future I want now. Because I have to, in order for my 'master future plan' to succeed. :3 But sigh...its a lot of work. =/ Sometimes waking up in the morning, I feel so stressed and out of it, feeling like I'm trapped into something I don't want. But in the end, it'll be worth it, right? I know at least one thing will be. ^^;
Went to the dentist yesterday. Always not fun. -.-'' Im surprised my dad doesn't hate me yet...kekeke. ;3 Got myself a good laugh, although made a huge fool of myself. -_- There. Once again. Need to stop doing that.
And so I guess Nubcake didn't like my last plan >.> He's silly. I wouldn't ever ditch him. Just...its fighting between what I think is better for him, and what I want. But then again, he could be right. What if it really wasn't better for him? I know what its like to feel unmotivated. To lose that big of a motivation...Maybe not such a good idea. -sigh- He wins, yet again. Lets just hope I'm making the right decisions.
And somehow I managed to score a 93+ in science. Amazing. o_O Considering I pretty much failed. And bleh, who knew my english was so bad? =.='' Darn people giving me incorrect notes to study off of D: Note to self: STOP MISSING ENGLISH CLASS.
Math test coming up. Fingers crossed. =/
School is like a battlefield now x.x Aiming high in everything, making a single mistake is...quite scary. Dunno how much it affects me...
And debate. Another big priority. Trying harder than I ever have when it comes to thinking...well, maybe SECOND. :3 Maybe. Considering that other time...
Hmm...if Nubcake could give me anything, what would it be? ;o
Nowadays...two main focuses of life. School. And Nubcake. x.x Tbh, school was never really on the top of my list up until now. Why? Because I know what future I want now. Because I have to, in order for my 'master future plan' to succeed. :3 But sigh...its a lot of work. =/ Sometimes waking up in the morning, I feel so stressed and out of it, feeling like I'm trapped into something I don't want. But in the end, it'll be worth it, right? I know at least one thing will be. ^^;
Went to the dentist yesterday. Always not fun. -.-'' Im surprised my dad doesn't hate me yet...kekeke. ;3 Got myself a good laugh, although made a huge fool of myself. -_- There. Once again. Need to stop doing that.
And so I guess Nubcake didn't like my last plan >.> He's silly. I wouldn't ever ditch him. Just...its fighting between what I think is better for him, and what I want. But then again, he could be right. What if it really wasn't better for him? I know what its like to feel unmotivated. To lose that big of a motivation...Maybe not such a good idea. -sigh- He wins, yet again. Lets just hope I'm making the right decisions.
And somehow I managed to score a 93+ in science. Amazing. o_O Considering I pretty much failed. And bleh, who knew my english was so bad? =.='' Darn people giving me incorrect notes to study off of D: Note to self: STOP MISSING ENGLISH CLASS.
Math test coming up. Fingers crossed. =/
School is like a battlefield now x.x Aiming high in everything, making a single mistake is...quite scary. Dunno how much it affects me...
And debate. Another big priority. Trying harder than I ever have when it comes to thinking...well, maybe SECOND. :3 Maybe. Considering that other time...
Hmm...if Nubcake could give me anything, what would it be? ;o
| Running out of title ideas. >> Tuesday, November 10, 2009 |
Insanely sick today. Woke up this morning and the room was spinning. Huge migrane, arghh. Missed my history test and a couple useless classes. Just feel like crap all day. x.x
Feeling really guilty these days. Knowing I'm distracting him so much...sigh. And getting him into all the trouble. =/
In so many ways, its not fair. I dont have nearly as much stress when it comes to worrying about my future. I can easily decide where I wanna go, choose my future, and watch myself work towards it and have it come true. Why should I be able to get things so easily, and him have to worry about making it so much?
God, why can't you give him what you've given me? x.x
I wish I could do something to help, rather than just spend every moment knowing hes stressing himself to the max every day and night. Rather than knowing he's worrying nonstop. Unsure about what to do, what'll happen. Its not fair that there's people just like him who have time for everything. Time for gaming, relaxing, having fun. I wish I could help. =/
Funny how I always end up being useless during times like these. During tough times. =.=''
I guess the only thing I CAN do is just...stay away. And not be any more of a distraction.
Staying away for a while...off msn and etc. Argh, isn't it hard enough to not be able to see him as much?
I guess this is testing self control to the max. x_x How fun.
I did say I'd wait for him though. And I will. And I'll prove I will.
This is gonna be painful and hard. x.x See how long I can hold up for. As long as it'll do him good, its worth it.
I'll start tomorrow. =/
Ga-yow please, my NubcakeKun. <3
Feeling really guilty these days. Knowing I'm distracting him so much...sigh. And getting him into all the trouble. =/
In so many ways, its not fair. I dont have nearly as much stress when it comes to worrying about my future. I can easily decide where I wanna go, choose my future, and watch myself work towards it and have it come true. Why should I be able to get things so easily, and him have to worry about making it so much?
God, why can't you give him what you've given me? x.x
I wish I could do something to help, rather than just spend every moment knowing hes stressing himself to the max every day and night. Rather than knowing he's worrying nonstop. Unsure about what to do, what'll happen. Its not fair that there's people just like him who have time for everything. Time for gaming, relaxing, having fun. I wish I could help. =/
Funny how I always end up being useless during times like these. During tough times. =.=''
I guess the only thing I CAN do is just...stay away. And not be any more of a distraction.
Staying away for a while...off msn and etc. Argh, isn't it hard enough to not be able to see him as much?
I guess this is testing self control to the max. x_x How fun.
I did say I'd wait for him though. And I will. And I'll prove I will.
This is gonna be painful and hard. x.x See how long I can hold up for. As long as it'll do him good, its worth it.
I'll start tomorrow. =/
Ga-yow please, my NubcakeKun. <3
| Mmm? >> Monday, November 9, 2009 |
Finished the first part of Laputa. Takes so long, longer than I thought x.x So hungry...D:
Bell's abotu to ring soon. Just sitting here wishing I had a bit more time to finish. Oh well, I'll type the rest when I get home.
What's this reality that hit you?
| A quick note just to add more to what I was gonna say. :P >> Friday, November 6, 2009 |
Been there, done that. For me, I guess you could say its a celebration. I've gotten over it all. I won't be going down that path anymore. I've moved on from that past.
I can keep that promise now. I'm not scared of losing everything that way anymore. I'm no longer capable of falling for it. The devil can no longer bring me down with it anymore.
How did I manage it?
Mercy. A promise. And a love that taught me the least I could do in return was to be the person he wants me to be.
Not that it wasn't...hard to do. Because it was, in so many ways. But I finally have control now. After being manipulated for so long, I've learned to not fall for it again.
Seeing him so stressed out and frustrated with himself...in a way it was funny. Not to be cruel, but more...laughing at myself. Like a sillier version of myself. Of everyone, actually. In a way it was also like seeing a reflection of the past. And in another way...feeling the exact opposite of his frustration. Because I was at peace this time. I'm not scared. I trust myself now, and I trust myself to be able to protect him...if thats what you call it. I'm free of the frustration and worry I once had for myself. Which is why I'm not worried about that about him either.
And this was why I was able to fully enjoy my day ^^
Mmm...
I wonder if it'll give away too much if he reads this.
Or luckily, he'll just be confused and forget all about it. (:
| Damn I'm a good actor. >> Thursday, November 5, 2009 |
(8) so love me, thats all I ask of you...
^ random song I'm listening to xD So beautiful...
Had an interestingly painful encounter on the bus today.
So I'm sitting there on the bus after leaving starbucks with Natalia and Julia, and all of a sudden I see this familiar person getting on the bus that looks very much like Sophie.
And whaddayaknow. It was her.
She might not have saw me when she first got on. She was with this other asian girl, made me wonder why she was at WCI. Which also made me worry...if he was there too...thankfully I didn't see him if he was. So sat there in anxiety, fighting between missing an old friend and pain and disappointment for what they did. Sigh...Its so hard, where sometimes I feel the old memories lifting, just wanting to be able to see them as friends again. And then when I do face them, I'm overwhelmed by the pain and anger and...arghh. Finally her and her friend gets off, and they just happen to decide to go out the other door, where I'm sitting. So we see each other and for some random insanely impulsive reason, I happen to put on the best mask/act I could and said hi. Kinda felt like it was before, back when we were really tight, but then...its just so hard to NOT remember what happened, and to know that SHE knows it too. Does she not regard it? Does she not know the true depths of what happened? What did he tell her? What did she think?...sigh. So many confused thoughts. But at least...me trying to pretend things are perfectly okay and that nothing has happened besides her moving on to Uni...at least it eases me a little. A slight chance of hope that things will work out again eventually.
I wish it would stop bothering me.
Sigh. Most painful bus ride ever.
Anyways, on a brighter side, Nubcake can finally hang out tomorrow :D Although I'm kinda really nervous...dont think his dad likes me very much x.x So nervewracking, trying to be on my best behaviour & give the best impression >< I HATE always getting him in trouble D: Sometimes I really wish I didn't have 23987423984 family members in my house 24/7. =.='' It'd be so epic to be able to have him over again ;o Mmm...that'd definitely be one of my less serious more interesting random wishes :P
14 more hours (: Realized I have to bus home from school and then bus back again to his place tomorrow. Gotta go home for lunch x.x Can't stay out ALL day from early morning till night D: Oh well. I'll find a way. Cant wait~ (:
^ random song I'm listening to xD So beautiful...
Had an interestingly painful encounter on the bus today.
So I'm sitting there on the bus after leaving starbucks with Natalia and Julia, and all of a sudden I see this familiar person getting on the bus that looks very much like Sophie.
And whaddayaknow. It was her.
She might not have saw me when she first got on. She was with this other asian girl, made me wonder why she was at WCI. Which also made me worry...if he was there too...thankfully I didn't see him if he was. So sat there in anxiety, fighting between missing an old friend and pain and disappointment for what they did. Sigh...Its so hard, where sometimes I feel the old memories lifting, just wanting to be able to see them as friends again. And then when I do face them, I'm overwhelmed by the pain and anger and...arghh. Finally her and her friend gets off, and they just happen to decide to go out the other door, where I'm sitting. So we see each other and for some random insanely impulsive reason, I happen to put on the best mask/act I could and said hi. Kinda felt like it was before, back when we were really tight, but then...its just so hard to NOT remember what happened, and to know that SHE knows it too. Does she not regard it? Does she not know the true depths of what happened? What did he tell her? What did she think?...sigh. So many confused thoughts. But at least...me trying to pretend things are perfectly okay and that nothing has happened besides her moving on to Uni...at least it eases me a little. A slight chance of hope that things will work out again eventually.
I wish it would stop bothering me.
Sigh. Most painful bus ride ever.
Anyways, on a brighter side, Nubcake can finally hang out tomorrow :D Although I'm kinda really nervous...dont think his dad likes me very much x.x So nervewracking, trying to be on my best behaviour & give the best impression >< I HATE always getting him in trouble D: Sometimes I really wish I didn't have 23987423984 family members in my house 24/7. =.='' It'd be so epic to be able to have him over again ;o Mmm...that'd definitely be one of my less serious more interesting random wishes :P
14 more hours (: Realized I have to bus home from school and then bus back again to his place tomorrow. Gotta go home for lunch x.x Can't stay out ALL day from early morning till night D: Oh well. I'll find a way. Cant wait~ (:
| D: >> Tuesday, November 3, 2009 |
No time to update. So busy these days. x.x School feels neverending...
Nubcake's insanely busy too D: Hope he's doing okay. Makes me so worried about him ><
Don't know why I feel stressed already, when everyone else has time to game and party. Sigh...maybe its my habit of falling asleep while I work. Arghh...
Anyways, no time to update. Leaving soon for quartet. Fml. x.x
Ga-Yow Nubcake-Kun ~ You can do it <3 (:
Nubcake's insanely busy too D: Hope he's doing okay. Makes me so worried about him ><
Don't know why I feel stressed already, when everyone else has time to game and party. Sigh...maybe its my habit of falling asleep while I work. Arghh...
Anyways, no time to update. Leaving soon for quartet. Fml. x.x
Ga-Yow Nubcake-Kun ~ You can do it <3 (:
